It goes something like this, and take this with a grain of salt since The Sun isn’t exactly known for its journalism integrity, but The Dark Knight star, Christian Bale, aka Batman, was allowed by police to attend the London premiere of the greatest movie in the history of the universe (internet’s description not ours) even though he was wanted for questioning in connection to assaulting his mother and sister.

That’s how you spell it.  Now, this is coming from The Sun and here’s the basis for the story.  Bale’s mother and sister went to lodge a complaint at a Hampshire, UK police station yesterday.  Today, Bale will be brought in for questioning regarding the undisclosed matter.

A Met Police spokesman said: “We can confirm we have received allegation from another force in relation to an alleged incident in central London.”

Then the story is rounded out with quotes from an unnamed source, never a good thing, and some bullshit background about Ledger’s death.  Still, it’ll be interesting to see how this plays out.

Normally, we’re not really into posting hot-babe pictures (though I’m sure if we did we’d have much higher traffic). But we couldn’t resist when it comes to this photo of SNL-er Kristin Wiig. She’s without a doubt the funniest thing on the show and will become it’s next breakout star. It’s safe to say that without her presence the show would be utterly unwatchable.

And it also goes without saying that we had no idea she was this attractive. Cute yes, but in this picture she is bomb (click to see large version). When she shows up in some bad movie she always leaves an impression enough to say, “who was that?” Like an early Will Ferrell.  And we are constantly surprised to learn it is always Kristen Wiig who leaves that lasting impression. Chameleon? Possibly. Incredibly funny? Goes without saying.

Here’s to hoping she leaves SNL for bigger and better things rather than hang around until her flower has wilted (see: Amy Poehler).  [photo: via]

Fishnets, leather boots and jacket, thick eyeliner. Not your Mother’s Barbie. And not mine either (Oh, if only. My childhood would have been infinitely more interesting).

Mattel’s newest release is Black Canary Barbie, ostensibly based on the DC Comics superheroine of the same name

Black Canary is noted for her martial-arts skills and her “Canary Cry” – a high powered, sonic scream with the ability to shatter objects and incapacitate villains. Among the first generation of superheroes, she was a member of the Justice Society of America, the first superhero team to appear in comic books.

Black Canary Barbie is slated to hit store shelves in September under the Black Label collection . Understandably, this new Dominatrix incarnation of Barbie is causing a bit of an uproar. The Sun is there

I’ll spare you a Barbie diatribe and leave you with this question: who would buy this for their daughter?

Well, it’s over.  But still, Snoop shared his thoughts on Barack Obama getting the nomination in Esquire’s “What I’ve Learned” spread.

“Barack Obama makes me feel good to be a black man. Just seein’ him up there representin’ intelligently and really knowing what he talkin’ about and defending his shit even when they try and shoot at him. The old president and baby girl — Bill and Hill — they tried to double wop on him. Boo bop. But he have enough game to get out of that.”

I’m not quite sure what it means to double wop on someone, but I’m pretty sure no one actually tried to shoot Barack Obama.  Also, wouldn’t it be great if Snoop Dogg could narrate your life and make even the most trite and boring aspects of your day sound exciting?

“Yeah that’s Jim representin’ the moring cereal.  Double O’s!”  You best believe that I’m going to double wop on Phil from accounting later today.  I’m sure there are a million more jokes to be made that I don’t have time for… but just think about Snoop Dogg narrating your day.  [via]

Apparently Britney, Paris, Lindsay, the prudish chick from Sex and the City, Kim Kardashian and the Pam Anderson weren’t the first celebrity sex-tapers. Cultural icon Marilyn Monroe beat them to it. The best part about this story, which is being reported everywhere, is the supposed decency of the perv who bought it.

A 15-minute film of Marilyn Monroe engaging in oral sex with an unidentified man will be kept from public view by a New York businessman who has bought it for $1.5 million, the broker of the deal said on Monday.

Memorabilia collector Keya Morgan said he recently arranged the sale of the silent, black-and-white film from the son of a dead FBI informant who possessed it to a wealthy Manhattan businessman who wants to protect Monroe’s privacy.

“The gentleman who bought it said out respect for Marilyn he’s not going to make a joke of it and put it on the Internet and try to exploit her,” said memorabilia collector Keya Morgan. “That’s not his intention and I would never get my name involved if that were to happen.”

Monroe is clothed and the man’s head remains out of the frame for the entire 15 minutes of the film, said Morgan, who watched it.

So yeah, the public won’t be seeing it, but you can be damn sure the guy who bought it is going to watch it over and over again. According to the NY Post:

The footage appears to have been shot in the 1950s. When it came to light in the mid-’60s, then-FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover had his agents spend two weeks futilely trying to prove that Monroe’s sex partner was either John F. Kennedy or Robert F. Kennedy, according to declassified agency documents and interviews, Morgan said.

The silent black-and-white flick shows Monroe on her knees in front of a man whose face is just out of the shot.

He never moves into the shot, indicating that he knew the camera was there, but Monroe never looks at the lens, said Morgan, who saw the footage.

So who’s the guy, Joe DiMaggio? Guess not, cause Joltin’ Joe tried to buy the tape for a measly $25 G’s back in the day. But the final note on this story belongs to The Superficial, who goes “All I have to say is, what the shit? People gave blowjobs in the ’50s??! Annnd I’m impotent. Good game, penis.”

So about a year ago, I was preparing to draft for my Fantasy Celebrity Deaths League. And I locked up my first round pick of Abe Vigoda (still alive damnit) and filled out my team nicely. What I wasn’t counting on was essentially being forced into using a seventh round pick on a relatively unknown British-singer Amy Winehouse.

But that pick turned out to be the Tom Brady of Fantasy Celebrity Deaths. Seriously, she has to be about six-months from kicking the bucket. At the very least, she probably won’t be recording another Grammy-winning retro soul album that I will only listen to one track from (and that’s the one with Ghostface Killah on it by the by) any time soon.

Apparantly the cool kids in England (and by cool I certainly mean ones that will kill themselves within six months) are doing this thing called the “gas chamber.” That’s where you light vodka on fire and then snort it up your nose through a straw.

And it seems Amy, 24, had a go at the potentially lethal game during another of her wild nights out at London’s trendy Bungalow 8 with pals Kelly Osbourne, Kimberly Stewart, Miquita Oliver and Mark Ronson.

While DJ Seb Chew manned the decks, the Rehab star played the rather unpleasantly named “Gas Chamber” game. Medics say it’s dangerous because it gets alcohol absorbed directly into the bloodstream.

[Winehouse] performed the stunt after a round of 20 shots were brought to the table. Says the source: “She necked the top of the shot and lit the rest with a lighter. Then she grabbed a straw and sucked what was left up her nose.”

I’m just saying maybe we can work something out. Maybe if you just kill yourself now, which would be like having me the Super Bowl, um, well, that wouldn’t work out so much for you. But it would be bananas for my fantasy league. And yes, I know bananas was like so 2006, but it’s appropriate. Trust me.

Terrible news today. It’s probably well known that Patrick Swayze has a bit of the pancreatic cancer, which spreads fast and dangerous.

It was reported earlier today by the National Enquirer of all places that the Swayze had only five weeks! Five weeks to live. Crazy. Thankfully, his publicist reacted quickly and got in touch with People.

“Patrick has a very limited amount of disease and he appears to be responding well to treatment thus far,” Dr. George Fisher says in a statement. “All of the reports stating the time frame of his prognosis and his physical side effects are absolutely untrue. We are considerably more optimistic.”

The actor’s rep adds: “Patrick is continuing his normal schedule during this time, which includes working on upcoming projects. The outpouring of support and concern he has already received from the public is deeply appreciated by Patrick and his family.”

With the recent passing of guitarist Jeff Healy, who played Cody in Roadhouse, someone has to go out and make sure Sam Elliott is okay. Cause that guy is a national fucking treasure. Just thought I would throw that out there if we have any LA readers and could do that for us. Seriously, we’re worried that Elliott may get cancer next.

But back to Swayze. What can you say? He made a supernatural rom-com with Whoopi and Demi watchable. He starred in the greatest movie ever made about surfing in Point Break. He starred in the greatest movie ever made about bar bouncers with Roadhouse, and perhaps he also carried the greatest movie ever made about a Russian invasion with Red Dawn.

Not bad starring in three of the best movies ever made and one good rom-com, made better by his presence. I’ll throw in Dirty Dancing for the ladies as well. Dude is all aces around these parts.

Career highlights after the jump. MORE »

And probably mutters something to the effect of “goddamn you Lohan!  Goddamn you!  By the way how’s rehab?”  Well who the hells knows what she would say exactly, but let’s be honest the new photo shoot of Lindsay Lohan reenacting Marilyn Monroe’s final photo shoot, is depressing, oddly compelling, sadly feeds the ego that Lohan is somehow a reincarnation of Monroe (when we know she’s kinda the butt of every joke now), and just feels blasphemous.

As Spencer at Goldenfiddle puts it: “This is, without a doubt, the saddest, stupidest, ugliest, most pointless thing ever. Bert Stern should be ashamed of himself.”

But, if anyone has been asking what happened to her breasts, well they are real, they are big and they are supple.

Here are the words that accompany the now famous, er, infamous photo spread.  Not like anyone cares.  But you may care that some of the original Marilyn Monroe photos can be found here.

And yeah, the photos are NSFW.  Hit the jump for one of them. MORE »

When news first broke of actor Heath Ledger’s death, there was a lot of speculation regarding the chain of events. Did the masseuse call Mary-Kate Olsen after she found the actor’s body? How the hell did he die? And thanks to the rush of news information did the world find out before his family did? Seeing as how everybody knew a mere two hours afterwards, I’m guessing that’s a tasteless yes to the last question.

As to the first one? Well 23/6 got their hands on the incident report from that day and some of those questions have been answered, though in a made up police incident report.

I guess it’s not too soon to be making jokes at Ledger’s expense.

So now that we’ve all had a few days to process the madness of Tom Cruise’s Scientology video a few things have become clear. One, he’s a fucking loon. Two, we had no idea what he was talking about. Three, it’s very possible Mr. Cruise was waaay past the legal drinking limit.

Thankfully, for those of us that care to understand what he was mumbling about, MTV has put together a lexicon of terms that get name checked.

Among them:

“It is something that you have to earn”: Cruise is referring to taking Scientology courses. According to the church, to get to the higher levels of Scientology — he’s an OT VII, the highest level is OT VIII — you must complete a number of courses and auditing sessions, a sort of Scientological take on the Catholic confession. And it all costs; depending on your level, the tab for wisdom can be hundreds if not thousands of dollars. To finally learn what the basis of Scientology’s precepts are (about how we got remnants of space aliens known as thetans trapped in our system), you must attain the level of OT III. The secrets of Xenu aren’t free!

“Am I going to look at that guy or am I too afraid?”: Cruise’s relentless stare is actually a technique from “Success Through Communication” training routine (TR) drills. According to former and current members, pre-clears have to learn to look someone straight in the eye for hours. It’s supposed to generate self-confidence and intimidate the other party. No blinking!

“… Because I have my own out-ethics”: The church says ethics are moral choices but belong to a distinct moral system, based on LRH’s book “Introduction to Scientology Ethics.” If you misbehave, you have “out-ethics.” If you’re behaving, you have your ethics “in.” To put your ethics “in” someone else, as Cruise later says, is to make someone else conform.

“The ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions”: “Conditions” refer to LRH principles, which are charted on a scale. It’s a Scientologist’s goal to “improve conditions,” which means improving your relationship with yourself and to those within your group. The “conditions” (in order) are: confusion, treason, enemy, doubt, liability, nonexistence, danger, emergency, normal, affluence, power change and power, according to numerous accounts of church practices. These are the practical applications of “ethics.”

I’m not going to slag Cruise, because that would be almost too easy and his passion alone has almost brainwashed me into thinking this whole Scientology thing is soooo bad. But then again, I always remember this one summer vacation I took with a friend. His dad bought me an L. Ron Hubbard book to read because he knew I liked science-fiction and nice thoughts aside I was way more influenced by my friend’s grandmother going ape-shit over someone buying me an L. Ron Hubbard book and insisting that I never read such garbage.

Also: If you are the curious type you can read about Dianetics and Scientology for further brainwashing reading.

Just a few things to start your day with.  Let’s get it kicked off.

- Rachel Ray and her annoying mouse voice are rumored to not like Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.  You know, the coffee she gets paid to endorse.  Alls I can say is why don’t they fire her.  I’ll gladly take her paycheck and shoot the commercials and drink the coffee.  Yeah I know it tastes really watery (much in the same way Starbucks always taste burnt and dirty) but the last sip of Dunkin’s when it’s all sugar at the bottom is a great way to start the morning.

- Rodrigo over at the always excellent The Playlist is reporting that Karen O, she of Yeah Yeah Yeahs fame, is penning the soundtrack for the delayed Spike Jonze-directed/Dave Eggers-written Where the Wild Things Are.  This is one of our most anticpated movies of 2008 and adding Karen O to the mix brings it up a notch.   Glad to see that ex-lovers can still work together.

- Daniel Day-Lewis’s iconic role as Daniel Plainview (is it too early to call this one a historically good performance yet?) in the best reviewed movie this year, There Will Be Blood, even has a catch phrase.  Not bad.  If you haven’t seen the movie he screams the line “I drank your milkshake!” and for one reason or another people have latched onto it.  It didn’t take long for someone to introduce Plainview to Kelis.

- Scottish rockers Franz Ferdinand spoke with Billboard about recording their third album and they are calling it a “dirty pop album.”  Whatever that means.  So long as they aren’t going the Britney Xtina approach.

- According to Brooklyn Vegan, the Smithsonian is opening an exhibit dedicated to hip-hop that will run from Feb. 8 until Oct. 26.

- Chantreuse Neko Case, excellent solo or doing duty with New Pornographers, is now getting immortalized in cartoon form on Aqua Teen Hunger Force and then on a new Adult Swim Show.   That new show is titled Cheyenne Cinnamon and the Fantabulous Unicorn of Sugar Town Candy Fudge, so of course Neko is the voice of Cheyenne.  God once asked Neko to be his voice for human ears.  True story.

- New Sex and the City poster is out.  Carrie is so super-duper glamorous.  Oh my god!

- It’s not just athletes using HGH and Steroids.  It’s also the rappers like 50 Cent.  Well rumored anyway.  Also mentioned were Mary J. Blige and uber-producer Timbaland.  Huh?

- A bit of sad news, but Brit pop-tart Lily Allen has suffered a miscarriage with her boyfriend, The Chemical Brothers Ed Simons.  We wish her all the best in recovering and dealing with this unfortunate news.

- J.J. Abrams is casting for his next television series and it sorta sounds like a rip off of The X-Files, but not as good.  But it is J.J. Abrams right?  So we have to give him the benefit of the doubt.  He’s earned that much.