This might lend a new definition to the infamous Patrick Ewing Theory, that a team is better off without it’s star player; the theory is not inclusive enough.  Would the world be better off after Patrick Ewing breezed through definitive historical moments?

One of the NBA’s greatest centers, Patrick Ewing, has discovered a time machine and rather than go back and change the outcome of his great (but sorta disapointing career - c’mon Knicks fans you know it’s true!) career, he decided to embark upon the greatest adventure mankind has ever witnessed.  Perhaps even greater than when Bert went evil on us.

Upon inspection, Patrick realized that this unexplainable object was in fact a time machine. Unable to resist, Patrick began a journey through time, hoping to catch glimpses of the world’s most famous events.  Patrick swore not to interfere, knowing that even a tiny change could severely alter the present that he had previously known. Patrick did, however, swear that he would prove that his magical journey did happen, and today, for the first time, we are privileged to see pictures from Patrick Ewing’s spectacular journey.

Patrick Ewing 1 History 0.  Unfortunately, Ewing did interfere with history and things have never been the same.  Where else did Patrick go?  MORE »

The folks at Gorilla Mask have unearthed a funny Richard Pryor skit from his television show in 1977 that would make a funny SNL skit even today.  This is how you do relevant sketch comedy.  Take some contemporary pop culture item, like Star Wars and then mix it up with something people can relate to.  In a way it’s what SNL doesn’t understand since they are always going for the obvious lampoon instead of the off-the-wall bizarre.

Had SNL been around at the same time at the Richard Pryor Show, they probably would have gone for a funny light saber fight.  Anyway.

The comedian was better than we probably ever gave him credit for, and as we looked back at his catalog over the weekend, it was clear to us that he was pretty funny.  Even making such dreck as Mr. 3000 somehow watchable.  Also, we haven’t stopped thinking about that handshake from Oceans 11. That was an intense handshake.  See all of other great moments here.

I love this video that recreates Glengarry Glen Ross’s most famous scene with Alec Baldwin, but starring a eight year old. It’s not super funny, but the idea of it is pretty funny. I wish more people would recreate famous movie scenes using little kids instead. Like if someone made Clerks with five year olds, that would be great. Thanks.

Anyway, when the little guy took off his five dollar plastic Power Rangers watch … priceless. [via]

Now this is how you turn bad PR into something hilarious. After being mocked by a John McCain ad, which obviously ruffled the sheets of the Hilton clan, Paris hits back with a funny ad of her own. It’s hard to imagine she knows what she’s even talking about but still. Showing you have a good sense of humor about being called a shallow celebrity makes her come out on top.

Also, I can’t help but think that if this were an Obama ad it would be great. John McCain is reeeeeeaaaally old.

Her energy policy is a little suspect, but still. Harumph.

We’ll see you at the debates bitches, which according to the WSJ left ABC out of the loop entirely (thank god after Charlie Gibson’s and George Stephanopoulos’s performance in the Dem debates sucked, no other way to put it) and favored veteran news journos over tv pundits. Not sure if there is a difference, per say, but we’ll see.

PBS anchors Jim Lehrer and Gwen Ifill will moderate one debate each, with Mr. Lehrer hosting the first presidential debate Sept. 26 at the University of Mississippi, and Ms. Ifill hosting the vice-presidential debate Oct. 2 at Washington University in St. Louis.

Former NBC Nightly News anchor Tom Brokaw will moderate the second presidential debate, Oct. 7 at Belmont University in Tennessee, and CBS News chief Washington correspondent Bob Schieffer will moderate the final debate Oct. 15 at Hofstra University in New York.

I actually like there choice of moderators. Lehrer might be the last great television news journalist left and Gwen Ifil is his right-hand woman. We’ll see about Brokaw and Schieffer, but I think they’ll do just fine.

And his name is?  Well let’s just say that thank the lords Dr. Moreau didn’t take Batman and Hancock to the island of misfits and come up with a new creation.

This first-run theater with second-run conditions is within spitting distance of my apartment in Portland.  I saw the change over about two weeks ago at Cinemagic at the intersection of Hawthorne and 20th. and it was the first time I actually felt a pang of sadness for not owning a snazzy camera phone.  Luckily someone did and they passes it along to Shawn Levy, film critic extraordinaire at the Oregonian.

Unfortunately, the Oregonian is a conservative paper and you couldn’t get away with posting this on their website.  So Mr. Levy passed it along to Jeff Wells and my guilt for not having a camera is gone because Jeff posted it to the ever-awesome Hollywood-Elsewhere.

Life is funny sometimes.  So yeah, I can vouch for no photoshop, probably just someone with a good sense of humor doing the marque changeover.

College Humor is definitely on a roll lately with some of their videos and whatnots. Here, they stage a fake revolt of Bowser’s minions. There reasoning is Bowser’s arbitrary rules. “The Mario jumps over me everytime. I don’t know why Bowser put this goddamn chain on my body.” Even better is when the Bomber Mouse comes out from Mario 2 and all the other guys look at him as if they don’t know who he is. Side note: what was up with Mario 2? So different yet so good.

First of all, it’s almost hilarious that there is such a thing as a Rock, Paper, Scissor Championship and that people participate. But the behind the scenes look from Comedy.com cracked me up. I love when the guy faces off against some of the, ah, competitors and throws them non-sensical symbols like “dog taking a dump” or “Bono speaking to the UN.” Great stuff.

Last night I was driving home from an Emmylou Harris concert at Oregon Zoo (short review: Awesome venue, you’re right next to the elephants and before the show they released birds of prey into the audience! There is no way to put this into proper context. I never heard anything by Harris before last night [hence the lack of formal review] and was totally blown away. She’s amazing, emotionally resonant, great stage banter, she’s the real deal. I feel like I just discovered Klondike Bars as a seven-year-old.) and listening to Love Line with Dr. Drew.

Which I forgot how awesome that show is because it’s the only place you’ll get to hear a guy nonchalantly ask about his girlfriend possibly giving him chlamydia - dude she cheated on you! - and then have an 18-year-old girl call in and ask if masturbating with a dildo five to ten times a week is safe. Five to ten times! My god. It might be safe but holy crap that can’t be healthy. I mean I know she isn’t going to end up blind. The best part was during her entire call, Dr. Drew is trying to give her honest advice and help her through her problem and Seth Green is in the background munching on In-And-Out Burger and saying things like, “Yeah Matilda it’s all good! You’re just trying to find out how you like it” in this creepy pederass voice.

Funniest show on the radio.

What stopped me on the dial, oddly enough however, was Seth Green promoting Robot Chicken and talking about Family Guy and doing much of the interview in his voice he uses for Chris and imitating Soundwave from Transformers. I’m convinced that Hollywood is the least cool place on Earth. It’s basically a cesspool for all the theater dorks in high school only with more money, better makeup and fancier clothes. And before you jump all over me, I’m the least cool person I know I was both a band dork and a theater dork and several other doses of dorkitude in high school.

Anyway, the topic turned to Matthew McConaughey because Green also does the voice for McConaughey whenever he is on Family Guy. His impression was stellar and his insight into the life of McConaughey had me chortling uncontrollably.

So when I got home, of course I was flipping around YouTube for some clips of McConaughey on Family Guy, then I wanted to find the trailer for his new movie Surfer Dude, which in turn led to this clip below which just about made my night.

And yes, I realize that this might be the only post that scatologically jumps from Emmylou Harris to Dr. Drew to Seth Green to Matthew McConaughey to some surfer guy in California. Six degrees of fun!

The adorable, blue blaz’-lovin’ comedian Liz Feldman will be back in her kitchen with new episodes of This Just Out on AfterEllen.com starting July 28th. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the show, I would suggest watching it, obviously, but basically it’s a talk show in which she hits on her (usually straight) guests. Her friend, Raimy Rosenduft, who, in my opinion, has great taste in music, suggests new bands every episode. Good music, comedy, and lesbians, honestly, what more do you need?

Here’s a promo for the new season with Liz and Raimy lip-synching the new theme song that Uh Huh Her wrote on the last episode.

Couldn’t they have done this to him before the new trilogy?  Just asking is all.

Photo: Rebel Scum