In 1985, Ebony magazine printed a feature speculating on what various celebrities might look like in the year 2000.

It predicted that Michael Jackson would look like the above.  Well that didn’t work out so well.  In their defense though, it’s kinda hard to predict all the maladies that MJ suffered from, whether it was the bleachy skin disease, the child molesting, the plastic surgery or his general weirdness. 

Still, there’s no excuse to predicting Michael Jackson will look like Billy Dee Williams with a jericurl and a pencil mustache.  No excuse.  [via]

Yes, yes, by all acounts the new Harry Potter is quite good (89% on RT and 90% from top critics) and it’s made a ton of money already at just it’s midnight screenings and it’s well on it’s way to being the most profitable movie franchise in the history of profitable movie franchises. 

But aren’t you more curious to feel like a dirty old pervert by oogling pictures of Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger from the pages of Maxim?

See, Ginny’s magic spell is that someone she became all grown up without us realizing it.

The intro audio is priceless. I just got home from baseball practice, eating McDonald’s, and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The crowds of people along the freeway holding signs. In retrospect, this event did more to shift American culture in the past two decades than anything else.

Everyone remembers where they were when this went down. It was some crazy shit. I mean some serious bat-shit crazy shitshow. My parents remember where they were when JFK got shot, but me? I remember THIS?!?

I hate to say it, but the agony in the guy’s voice is pretty dang funny now, even if it sounds like the anguish of a confession. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I’m the only one that deserves this! All I did was love Nicole. I love everybody.”

Love = brutally stabbing your wife with a large kitchen knife. Right Juice? Right, Juice? Toss it, man, just toss it. Juice? Juice? JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUICCCCCCCCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woody Allen sued the lame, hipster clothing company (okay their T-shirts are quite nice) for $10 million after they used his image without permission for billboards in NY and LA; the two sides have reached a $5 million settlement. 

Allen should be proud as he’s gotten more from American Apparel and company owner Dov Charney, than anyone previously got from several sexual harassment suits. 

Charney is straight skeevy.

 Sometimes life gives you headline lemons and sometimes in 2009 those same headlines shit gold: “Report: Kiefer Sutherland Headbutts Man While Defending Brooke Shields”. 

Assuming, of course, the man was also 4′10″.   Either that or Kiefer was giving a flying headbutt off a barstool.  Nothing more to see, move about your day. 

Ha, turns out the guy he headbutted was a women’s fashion designer. 

New York’s Daily News reports that Sutherland, 42, was talking to Brooke Shields at a Met Gala after-party when Jack McCollough accidentally bumped into the actress. Sutherland then demanded the designer apologize and when he didn’t, well Sutherland put on his tough guy britches. 

“Sutherland was really drunk,” another witness tells the New York Post. “They started arguing and then he just head-butted him.”

McCollough’s injuries remain unknown, but TMZ reports he suffered lacerations on his nose.

The only thing missing from this story is Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett on the double date, with Corey Haim and Corey Feldman doing blow off some hooker’s backside in the bar’s corner.

Because we jokingly promised to bring you every last bit of Kristen Bell ephemera around the webz and we always deliver on our promises.

Outtakes from her Coed Magazine photo shoot.

Katee Sackhoff, better known to you and I as Starbuck, from Sci Fi’s Battlestar Galactica was in Portland last Friday (3/13/2009) night to help Portlanders kick off the show’s three-part series finale.  Little did she know that she would get roped into singing her mom happy birthday.

Seems like James Franco hasn’t forgotten his days as Daniel Desario.  But this was bound to happen with all the school he was getting and working on his new book, right?  Though, I guess he can afford to fall asleep with not having to worry about money and all.

[via TMZ]

Whew, that’s a relief.  Josh Saviano AKA Paul Pfeiffer from The Wonder Years is a 32-year-old NYC lawyer.  32?!?  32!?!  He looks like he’s 45, easily.  Does hanging with Kevin Arnold age you like a president. 

[via]

She is incapable of looking bad.  A woman in a land of little girls.

Quick backstory: Danny DeVito gets sloshed on Limoncello with George Clooney one night and then goes on The View the next morning possibly still drunk.  It ends with Danny DeVito getting his own signature line of lemon-flavored liqueur. 

Plus Danny DeVito in a bowler hat you guys.

It’s only natural that you’d want to live it up and let yourself go after accomplishing your life’s goal of winning 8 Gold Medals at the 2008 Beijing Olympics.  So kudos to 23-year-old swimmer Michael Phelps for doing just that.

“Phelps was in town to a see a sorority girl he was dating, but spent the entire weekend getting stoned every night, throwing down beers and smoking pot,” the British tabloid magazines said, of his trip last November to South Carolina.

“At one point someone asked him if he wanted to smoke some weed,” a source told Star. “Michael didn’t hesitate and headed to a small back room, where he was immediately handed a big red bong.”

Here’s the thing.  I don’t think any less of Michael Phelps, but that $30 Wal Mart he’s smoking out of is definitely unbeffitting his stature as one of the world’s best athletes.  Dude, you gots to start carrying around your own signature Michael Phelps Bong.  It should be completely gold with eight chambers to hit from.  In fact, what you need is a Michael Phelps hookah, available only in gold.  You could roll up to any party in style and no one would judge you.

Instead, you’re grovelling and apologizing for being young and on top of your game.  Phelps said: “I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

Translation: I engaged in behavior which was regrettable (not really since that night was awesome) and demonstrated bad judgement (by letting some asshat take a photo of Michael Phelps ripping bong hits).  I’m 23 years old and despite the successes in the pool (c’mon it’s me we’re talking about here!  I just won 8 freakin’ Gold Medals at the Olympics.  I’m an athletic hero to millions),  I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way (only if you count the groping that went on later that night!) not in a manner people have come to expect from me (especially grandma who was totes disasppointed in those photos.  Grandma, I’m sorry).  For this I am sorry (not so much but you’re buying this right?  Right?)  I promise my fans and public that it will not happen again (it will, but that I’ll be confiscating camera phones beforehand so this type of awkward photo doesn’t make the papers again).

Red-headed bombshell Christina Hendricks, best known for her role as Joan Holloway on AMC’s Mad Men is off the market.  She is now engaged to actor Geoffrey Arend.  I heard the two were dating and that she was head over heels in love and now it’s confirmed.

I guess.

And while we don’t usually peddle in this sort of trashy celebrity news (wait, what, this is happy news!) it always makes us laugh to realize that one of the sexiest women in the world is dating the guy in the back seat at the opening of Super Troopers.

There’s hope for us all.  Or rather those that don’t have super sexy girlfriends already and are slightly dorky.

“I’m freakin’ out man.”