IMAGE COURTESY OF IN TOUCH
Not just one, but two trash rags are reporting that Britney Spears is knocked up for the third time, and claims In Touch, she “won’t be happy unless it’s a girl.” Pregnancy is a horrifying prospect when Britney’s involved, as she can’t even handle the two boys she has and is currently half-assed fighting in court for them. Even her “Dirrty” Mickey Mouse club co-star Christina Aguilera, oh she of assless chaps and drag-queen baby showers, seems to be handling impending motherhood quite nicely (see Mollygood for her nude pregnant Marie Claire cover), but for Britney, “raising children” has been, to put it lightly, a challenge.
But don’t worry about what name will be bestowed on this *fingers crossed* girl, or even her future dental habits…while I understand In Touch and Star uncover the truth occasionally (hell, even the National Enquirer broke the Owen Wilson story), this pregnancy appears to be a ruse.
First, the falsities. From the cover of In Touch: “Yes, she’s pregnant!” the mag terrifyingly declares. “Ultrasounds, her excited e-mails to friends — now the father of Britney’s third child confirms it’s true.”
Are you guessing hate sex with KFed? Sorry, the father who confirmed this “pregnancy” is her on-off fling, music producer JR Rotem. Let me refresh your memory of his soundbites to Blender mag, now on newsstands:
“I have a fear of germs”; “I don’t invest in real estate, I invest in jewelry”; “I’m a Leo, a lion”; “I’ve seen Zoolander 100 times”; and, finally, “I fucked Britney wheelbarrow style. Just kidding. It was tractor style.”
IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED
Feel free to speculate what tractor-style means in the comment section. Next up is Star, who got their hot little hands on a Myspace message supposedly written by Brit, which says:
“Yes, I am pregnant and I am shocked — almost four weeks to be exact,” the tab (via the New York Daily News) claims she wrote in a message. “I don’t really know if I’m happy or sad I’m just … idk [I don’t know] I am happy I guess. I saw the ultrasound and it was really kewl!”
But along comes MSN’s Hot Gossip section to cry foul on these reports, and ruin Britney’s overwhelming feelings of happiness…I guess.
“Thankfully, there appears to be no reason to panic just yet. Spears’ suctioned-on BFF Sam Lutfi tapped out a text to Ryan Seacrest Wednesday morning refuting the bun-in-the-oven rumblings.
“It’s BS,” he wrote. “Don’t know who made it up. J.R. doesn’t even know what’s up. It’s fake. Completely fake.”
For good measure, Lutfi also sent a message to People, calling the baby talk a “big lie.”
Britney “laughed at it,” he says, adding that she probably won’t address the story directly because “if she were to give a statement about every lie, she’d be giving statements forever.”
IMAGE COURTESY OF BRICKS & STONES
Other good news in Britney’s life comes from Bricks & Stones, who reports that her couches are stained with shit from her dogs and her sons’ diaper changings and the court-appointed monitor is set to declare the house a “potential health hazard”.
Also, she has a sex room with costumes that will surprise you (Psych! It’s the old Catholic school girl cliche–but would her outfit from “Hit Me Baby” even fit anymore?) and various kinky toys.
AND she tried to steal some wigs at the Hustler store in West Hollywood after taking off her own undies in the middle of the store to try on some boy-cut briefs.
She is a modern-day Howard Hughes (toward the end of his life–you know, tissues to touch everything?), or to a lesser extent, Liza Minnelli. Wacky but rich, so you put up with their eccentricities because it makes a story fit to print.