The Sly Oyster | culture & entertainment on the sly

I remember the first time I saw one of Amazon’s Kindle eBook readers in the wild.  I leaned in closer to the mechanism, drool dribbling down my 13 chins.  I wanted one but at the time, they ran for $400, and that’s just stupid.

Next time I saw one was on Boston public transportation—or the Homeless Pee Pee Shopping Cart, as we like to call it.  The thing look chunky, unruly, and expensive.  Imagine losing a Kindle.  $400 down the drain.  Now imagine losing a paperback copy of Shutter Island.  $7.99 down the drain.  Which do you prefer?

But that’s neither here nor there.  Superduper special sources have revealed to CrunchGear that a new breed of Amazon’s uber-popular Kindle readers will be available for the holiday season.

The first is an updated version with the same sized screen, a smaller form factor, and an improved interface. The source told us that Amazon has “skipped three or four generations,” comparing the old Kindle to the 1st gen iPod and the new version to something like the sexy iPod Mini.

Okay, which iPod Mini are we talking about?  The one that looks like a chode?  Or the clunky old-school one?

Another Kindle model will be as big as an 8.5″ x 11″ piece of paper.  In a world where technology has increasingly become “smaller is better,” I can’t imagine the buying appeal of a big ol’ Kindle.  Also, until they make those constantly updating newspaper tablets like in Minority Report, I’m not interested.

Bryan Singer’s WW II thriller, Valkyrie has been something of a puzzle. Much like The Incredible Hulk, the movie has been simmering with bad buzz - twice having its release date moved. It’s now slated to come out in February 2009, after being posited as a 2008 summer blockbuster and then a Fall 2008 Awards contender. Now it’s nothing more than a Tom Cruise-starring vehicle.

Both director Bryan Singer and star Tom Cruise need a hit, or at least the illusion of a hit. If this thing ends up being a sleeper once the bad buzz dies down then who knows. Still, it looks like a fascinating slice of World War II history.

Official Plot Synopsis: The “July 20 Plot” on Hitler’s life is one of the most heroic but least known episodes of World War Two. Severely wounded in combat, Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg returns from Africa to join the German Resistance and help create Operation Valkyrie, the complex plan that will allow a shadow government to replace Hitler’s once he is dead. But fate and circumstance conspire to thrust Stauffenberg from one of many in the plot to a double-edged central role. Not only must he lead the coup and seize control of his nation’s government… He must kill Hitler himself.

Not to get all spoilery . . . but um, he doesn’t kill Hitler.

But there is something betwixting about this Scientology propaganda website.  Maybe it’s that smile.  I go and I try to resist, but then it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Tom Cruise is not just the most important actor of the 20th Century, er, 21st Century, I would posit that he’s the most important human being of the last century and certainly for the century ahead of us (just trying to cover my bases here).  There  I said it.  Glad to have gotten that confession off my chest.

But seriously (for realz),  I can’t get the freaking music out of my head from his website and it’s been two full days since I’ve gone to the site.  I hum them in my head and my days feel epic.  Like aliens and spies and L. Ron Hubbard could pop out from around the corner at any given moment.

So now that we’ve all had a few days to process the madness of Tom Cruise’s Scientology video a few things have become clear. One, he’s a fucking loon. Two, we had no idea what he was talking about. Three, it’s very possible Mr. Cruise was waaay past the legal drinking limit.

Thankfully, for those of us that care to understand what he was mumbling about, MTV has put together a lexicon of terms that get name checked.

Among them:

“It is something that you have to earn”: Cruise is referring to taking Scientology courses. According to the church, to get to the higher levels of Scientology — he’s an OT VII, the highest level is OT VIII — you must complete a number of courses and auditing sessions, a sort of Scientological take on the Catholic confession. And it all costs; depending on your level, the tab for wisdom can be hundreds if not thousands of dollars. To finally learn what the basis of Scientology’s precepts are (about how we got remnants of space aliens known as thetans trapped in our system), you must attain the level of OT III. The secrets of Xenu aren’t free!

“Am I going to look at that guy or am I too afraid?”: Cruise’s relentless stare is actually a technique from “Success Through Communication” training routine (TR) drills. According to former and current members, pre-clears have to learn to look someone straight in the eye for hours. It’s supposed to generate self-confidence and intimidate the other party. No blinking!

“… Because I have my own out-ethics”: The church says ethics are moral choices but belong to a distinct moral system, based on LRH’s book “Introduction to Scientology Ethics.” If you misbehave, you have “out-ethics.” If you’re behaving, you have your ethics “in.” To put your ethics “in” someone else, as Cruise later says, is to make someone else conform.

“The ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions”: “Conditions” refer to LRH principles, which are charted on a scale. It’s a Scientologist’s goal to “improve conditions,” which means improving your relationship with yourself and to those within your group. The “conditions” (in order) are: confusion, treason, enemy, doubt, liability, nonexistence, danger, emergency, normal, affluence, power change and power, according to numerous accounts of church practices. These are the practical applications of “ethics.”

I’m not going to slag Cruise, because that would be almost too easy and his passion alone has almost brainwashed me into thinking this whole Scientology thing is soooo bad. But then again, I always remember this one summer vacation I took with a friend. His dad bought me an L. Ron Hubbard book to read because he knew I liked science-fiction and nice thoughts aside I was way more influenced by my friend’s grandmother going ape-shit over someone buying me an L. Ron Hubbard book and insisting that I never read such garbage.

Also: If you are the curious type you can read about Dianetics and Scientology for further brainwashing reading.

In light on Tom Cruise’s crazy Scientology indoctrination video, if that’s what you call it cuz I’m still trying to get over how he put his ethics on me even after I said no, but to Tom no means yes. Anywaaay, the video really made us think of his other foray into motivational techniques. It was back in the halcyon days of 1999 and Tom told men everywhere to respect the cock.

Should we have seen the latest video coming in light on director PT Anderson’s magnum opus Magnolia? Probably. Forget ethics, crimions, SPs and whathaveyou. Let’s just seduce and destroy.  One caveat: NSFW due to Tom’s foul Scientological mouth.

Looks like the WGA is working their “divide and conquer” strategy against the studio moguls.  First, they reached a deal with David Letterman’s World Wide Pants production company and now they’ve reached a deal with Tom Cruise and Paul Wagner’s re-started United Artists.

Of course Nikki Finke at Deadline Hollywood Daily, which is the essentially source for strike news, has the scoop.  She reports that United Artist has agreed in principle to all of the WGA’s demands.

I’m told the deal was hammered out under the utmost secrecy by UA’s Paula Wagner, who has long been Cruise’s producing partner, and WGA leaders Dave Young and Patric Verrone. Guild sources said it definitely helped during negotiations that Cruise is a longtime SAG member and Wagner also started out as an actress before she became an agent then producer and then UA studio mogul. ”They said, ‘All we want to do is make movies. And we know that you can’t do that without the artists, especially the ones that create the stories. And those are the writers.’ “

The announcement should break sometime late tonight for Monday’s papers and whatnot.  Details of the agreement are being kept under wraps.  Wonder if this is an anomaly or the first domino to fall.

Seems Will Smith can save the world, but he can’t defend himself against Tom Cruise and Scientology. One more super-duper celebrity down 5,000 more to go for L. Ron Hubbard’s biggest disciple.

Smith tells Men’s Vogue, “I’ve studied Buddhism and Hinduism, and I’ve studied Scientology through Tom [Cruise].”

Apparently his wife Jada is into it to. “She’s more gung-ho about Scientology than Will,” says a source closes to the couple.

Smith continued, “Ninety-eight percent of the principles [in Scientology] are identical to the principles of the Bible. . . . I don’t think that because the word someone uses for spirit is ‘thetan’ that the definition becomes any different.”

A little bit of me just died inside.

The official trailer is finally up in YouTubage for Brian Singer’s Valkyrie.  This one looks good. Tommy Cruise seems to be doing a good job of rehabbing his career.  However, he’s supposed to be German how hard could it be to fake a modest German accent?  That always bothers me.  I don’t want to watch the movie and be thinking the whole time that I’m watching Tom Cruise with some doofy eye-patch on, ya know?

Also, remember Guy Ritchie?  He was the hotshot British director, often labelled as the next Tarentino.  Both Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch are generally revered with awe and admiration, well, okay, it’s more like geeky filmboy love.  Anyway, he married Madonna and his career disappeared faster than a hooker running out of church.

Well, supposedly Revolver was going to be his return to form.  He shot the movie back in 2004, it premiered at the Toronto Internatinal Film Festival in 2005 and it’s been sucking a duck in terms of US distribution since then.  Basically, it’s already on DVD for the entire world, but now it will see theatrical release in the states on Dec. 7.

Yahoo Movies finally has a trailer and though it doesn’t look bad, it doesn’t really inspire me to run out and see the movie any time soon.  Revolver stars Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Andre 3000, Vincent Pastore.

Official Plot Description: Gambler and conman Jake Green (Jason Statham) always ran with a bad crowd and it cost him seven years of his life when he took the rap for mean Dorothy Macha (Ray Liotta) and wound up in jail. After his release, Jake becomes unbeatable at the tables using a formula for the ultimate con that he learned from two mysterious fellow prisoners. Now he is ready to take his revenge. Macha is plotting to eliminate his ruthless rival, Lord John, and has staked his credibility on a huge drug deal with the all-powerful Sam Gold. Jake visits Macha at his casino and humiliates him publicly in a game of chance. Macha fearing more of the same medicine sends his goons to “take care of” Jake. His life is saved by enigmatic Zach (Vincent Pastore) who, with his equally inscrutable partner Avi (André Benjamin), offers Jake protection. Against his better judgment, Jake accepts. He soon finds himself playing the very last game he wants to be playing, and there is danger at every turn. But the biggest danger of all comes from a totally unexpected source…

Whatevs.

The good folks from Apple have been kind enough to post the behind the scenes teaser of Tom Cruise’s next film Valkyrie.  This one is being helmed by Bryan Singer and scripted by Christopher McQuarrie.

It’s got a cool plot, detailing the little known “July 20″ assassination attempt on Hitler’s life.  Cruise plays a German military officer who heads the coup and then is thrust into the role of assassin.  It’s got a stellar cast and with the sure eyes of Bryan Singer and swift pen of McQuarrie, this one has got to be good.

Head over hear to see the clip.