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Now this is how you turn bad PR into something hilarious. After being mocked by a John McCain ad, which obviously ruffled the sheets of the Hilton clan, Paris hits back with a funny ad of her own. It’s hard to imagine she knows what she’s even talking about but still. Showing you have a good sense of humor about being called a shallow celebrity makes her come out on top.

Also, I can’t help but think that if this were an Obama ad it would be great. John McCain is reeeeeeaaaally old.

Her energy policy is a little suspect, but still. Harumph.

We’ll see you at the debates bitches, which according to the WSJ left ABC out of the loop entirely (thank god after Charlie Gibson’s and George Stephanopoulos’s performance in the Dem debates sucked, no other way to put it) and favored veteran news journos over tv pundits. Not sure if there is a difference, per say, but we’ll see.

PBS anchors Jim Lehrer and Gwen Ifill will moderate one debate each, with Mr. Lehrer hosting the first presidential debate Sept. 26 at the University of Mississippi, and Ms. Ifill hosting the vice-presidential debate Oct. 2 at Washington University in St. Louis.

Former NBC Nightly News anchor Tom Brokaw will moderate the second presidential debate, Oct. 7 at Belmont University in Tennessee, and CBS News chief Washington correspondent Bob Schieffer will moderate the final debate Oct. 15 at Hofstra University in New York.

I actually like there choice of moderators. Lehrer might be the last great television news journalist left and Gwen Ifil is his right-hand woman. We’ll see about Brokaw and Schieffer, but I think they’ll do just fine.

IMAGE COURTESY OF BRICKS & STONES

–>Kimberley Stewart and Tommy Lee sat front and center - “together” - at the Nevada Cancer Institute’s sixth annual “Rock for the Cure” fund-raising gala at the Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas last night. They flew in together on her father Rod’s private jet, and the two were linked in the past…in fact, there was even a blind item about them, with a “blond heiress” who “couldn’t keep up” with her “hard-partying rocker boyfriend” and ended the night “foaming at the mouth.” BUT some good did come of the evening: the Institute raised $15 million for research.

IMAGE COURTESY OF BRICKS & STONES

–>Hilary Duff and ex-boyf Aaron Carter were seen in LA yesterday…Carter, famously (and strangely) was involved with both Hilary and Lindsay Lohan at the same time, causing a rift between the tween stars that ended only a few years ago. Watching him on “House of Carters” did nothing but solidify his douche bag rep, and I know Hilary has been known to give a lap dance or two, but she just seems so out of his league. Maybe they’re FWBs though…oooh wait, she’s “waiting.”

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–> While the Nicole Richie’s baby shower is being thrown by her mother, Brenda, sister Sophia and friends Paris Hilton and Masha Gordon are listed as the official hosts. But are any of these women doing any actual work? Nope, that’s left up to “wedding planner to the stars”, Mindy Weiss, who takes care of all the annoying deets. In a surprise show of consideration, Nicole won’t be collecting baby sheets with a high thread count or thousand dollar strollers; she and baby daddy Joel Madden have set up the Richie Madden Children’s Foundation and have asked that baby shower attendees make donations of needed baby items instead of giving gifts to Nicole. They’re also asking fans to make donations to their foundation, with the items to go to families in need who visit the LA Free Clinic. Read more about it here.

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

–>Us Weekly compared 13-year-old Lindsay Lohan (in 1996, left) and her 13-year-old sister, Ali, in 2007. I can only wonder who introduced Ali to eyeliner: mother Dina or sister Lindsay? I’m terrified to wonder what else they’re introduced her to…hopefully it’s just tampons.

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

–>It was over before it even began. Lance Armstrong is now denying that he and Ashley Olson were ever an item. But, expectedly, they’re “friends.” From Dlisted: “He told Page Six they are just friends, “We have hung out amongst other friends, and she strikes me as a nice, smart lady.” Uh, a “lady”? I don’t doubt Ashley is the more proper of the twins, however, isn’t she about 11 inches short of ladylike stature? What do I know, they’re quadruple millionaires.

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

…besides getting lipstick on her teeth.

(IMAGE COURTESY OF I DON’T LIKE YOU IN THAT WAY)
Paris Hilton filed suit against card giant Hallmark two months ago for misappropriating her image and invading her privacy with the release and sale of cards bearing her likeness. To wit:

She is seeking $500,000 in damages and a permanent injunction against the greeting card company. In response, Hallmark issued a statement:

“Hilton has become a household name, based in large part on her efforts to draw attention to herself. Having done so, she has subjected herself to public scrutiny and the parodist’s pen. The First Amendment does not allow her to respond by welcoming the fawning and flattering, but silencing the critical and comical.”

Cheri Oteri has issued a statement calling for an end to Paris’s copycat ways (the latter of whom is currently in Seoul, South Korea).

Sidenote: when did Hallmark grow balls? What a great statement on their part. Maybe all the marketing for Precious Moments has finally had the reverse effect on their PR department.

IMAGE COURTESY OF CELEBITCHY

Lindsay Lohan’s got one (or perhaps a couple–for LA, NYC, and Utah?), Owen Wilson is reported to have one…the sober companion, or “the missing puzzle piece” according to Sober Champion. There are different types, says the website:

“A Sober Companion may be the missing piece you need to stay away from drugs and alcohol.

A Sober Coach can provide intense sessions, as often as you need, to explore issues relating to your successful recovery from substance abuse.

A Sober Escort gets you where you need to go - don’t zig when you should zag!

If you must avoid drinking, using, gambling, self-injury, or some other obsessive and compulsive behavior, and your case requires round-the-clock assistance, try our Sober Companion services.

If you have been to residential treatment, you’ve made a substantial investment in yourself. Protect that investment with Sober Champion. Let’s help define your goals, identify & help you surmount roadblocks, and become your advocate as you live a life beyond expectations.”

When you’re dealing with serious addictions, you need to think like an addict. Which is why I’m pleased that Lindsay’s sober companions have placed no faith in the struggling actress. And boy, did she ever come through, trying to order vodka on Oct. 19, reports Celebitchy:

“Lindsay Lohan’s aides are going out of their way to make sure the actress/singer stays sober after spending much of the summer in rehab, they’ve told staff at all her old hangouts not to let her drink alcohol. The “Mean Girls” star found this out for herself when she tried to order vodka at Los Angeles’ Viceroy hotel on October 19.

A staff member at the hotel reveals Lohan spent an hour sipping water, but felt the need for something stronger as her friends started to get tipsy. A source tells Life & Style magazine, “She was fine at first, but it was obviously too soon for her to be around people who were drinking, because she later asked the server for a vodka. “But her people had called ahead and servers were told not to give in no matter how often Lindsay asked for alcohol.”

Despite denials about the incident from Lohan’s publicist, a guest at the Viceroy, who overheard the exchange between the actress and a waitress, tells the publication, “I heard the waitress say that she was sorry but she wasn’t allowed to serve her. Lindsay walked out soon after, looking embarrassed.”

While her publicist says Lindsay is “focusing on her work and sobriety”, they had to do extra damage control and wiggle her out of a contract with Las Vegas club LAX, where Lindsay was pegged to host their annual New Year’s Eve party. And guess whose filling in? None other than fellow down-on-her-luck party girl, Paris Hilton, who is being paid one million dollars to play hostess. Which essentially means she drinks all night for free and poses for endless (annoying) photos. Wasn’t Paris allegedly “focusing on her sobriety” as well and going to Rwanda to…pose for photos in villages and tell Rwandans they’re hot? Looks like both these girls are beginning to revert back to their old ways. Sadly, that was what got them the most press.

On Sunday, Britney Spears drove two sons Sean Preston and Jayden James to Tony’s Taverna in Malibu for dinner, and of course, the paparazzi make it a bit difficult for her to enter and exit the restaurant. Also, they take plenty of creepy through-the-windshield-shots of a none-to-happy SPF.

Come Monday, ex-husband Kevin Federline’s lawyer was running to the judge to snitch her out, because Britney doesn’t even have a valid California license! From TMZ:

“A TMZ records check reveals the popwreck does not have a valid California driver’s license. She has applied for one, but it’s still in the pending file.

And get this: Spears has never had a California license for all the years she’s lived in L.A.!

A DMV official told TMZ, “At this point, Britney Spears does not have a valid California driver’s license. She has an application pending that she never completed.”

To top off all the times Britney’s been photographed driving with what turns out, no license (years upon years of her residing in LA), she has a hit-and-run charge against her stemming from an Aug 6 incident in a Studio City, CA parking lot. And remember, driving on a suspended license is exactly what sent Paris Hilton to jail, and Britney has pantyless passion for emulating Paris. This story is still developing, but I’ll try to remain Brit-free for the rest of the day, *fingers crossed.*

Mary-Louise Parker of “Weeds” fame (insert “toke”n joke here) has adopted a baby girl from Africa, her rep tells People, to join her 3-year-old son, Will, by actor Billy Crudup (remember him? He left her after seven years together for Claire Danes? And remember the movie Crudup and Danes were in together? Thought not). Way to expand the fam, girlfriend!

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds premiered their love–where else but the airport! The two, who have been dating since April, have been coy about romance rumors but now this holding hands business seals the deal. According to A Socialite’s Life, Reynolds, who had a long engagement with Alanis Morissette, “is a big fan of moving forward” with Johansson, but the latter would prefer to move slowly. Here’s a tip in moving slowly: don’t match your accessories until at least eight months into the relationship.

Dave Grohl can say some pretty funny things (I mean, who better to make fun of Mentos than Dave Grohl?), but this takes the cake. Via I Don’t Like You In That Way, Grohl comments on why Paris Hilton rules. PSYCH! More like why she sucks: “Paris is fucking lame. She’s more offensive to me than anything. She’s a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her.” And millions of fathers share your prayer…Paris, in retaliation, will have her publicist come out with a statement like, “Paris has never met Mr. Grohl, and doesn’t know why he would spend so much time thinking about her. She has always been a big fan of his music and she wishes him the best in future endeavors.”

Despite Lindsay Lohan’s rehab stay now nearing two months, sources at Cirque Lodge are reporting that she is being treated for sex addiction, in addition to her dependencies on drugs and alcohol. Reports Metro UK: “A source told US Star magazine: ‘She’s been having erotic dreams about her former lovers, like Calum Best, Wilmer Valderrama, and Jared Leto.’ ‘Her counsellors are trying to get her to understand that she’s substituting one addiction for another.’ The insider added: ‘Besides the obvious dangers of STDs, having indiscriminate sex can lead to emotional heartbreak, and that can lead to drug and alcohol abuse. If she doesn’t come to grips with this, Lindsay is going to find herself back in rehab-sex addiction.’” Just like rehab to be so judgmental and slap you with another label when they find you having sex in a bathroom stall with a fellow patient.

Yeah, yeah, usually we leave this kind of stuff to Page 6. But the thought of Prince destroying Paris Hilton publicly to her face is just too awesome to not mention. Apparantly The Symbol pulled the slutty heiress on stage at a Vegas concert to sing a duet and then told the audience, “Let’s see if she can really sing.”

Paris Hilton was in the audience as Prince performed at Club 3121 at the Rio All-Suite Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas’s Club 3121 on April 20. At one point, Prince invited the “Stars Are Blind” crooner to join him onstage.

A “delighted” Hilton scampered onto the stage and the “Purple Rain” singer handed the wanna-be-pop star the microphone and told the audience, “Let’s see if she can really sing,” a source told the mag.

An angry and humiliated Hilton stormed offstage — and left the club two songs later, reports Us.

She probably was just leaving to have unprotected sex with the son of a Greek shipping magnate. Cause isn’t that what all slutty socialites do?