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Not much to report here, but Juno cleaned up at the Independent Spirit Awards and Lindsay Lohan’s trashterpiece I Know Who Killed Me cleaned up at The Razzies.

The fourth acting “dis-honor” announced at Saturday’s Golden Raspberry Awards — which honors the worst from Hollywood — went to Lindsay Lohan, who actually was voted two worst-actress trophies for the thriller I Know Who Killed Me, the worst-picture winner in which she played dual roles.

I Know Who Killed Me set a new Razzies record with eight awards, including worst screen couple for Lohan in her double role.

Which also gives us one more moment to say Juno was written by ex-stripper Diablo Cody.  This, however, I loved from the Independent Spirit Awards.

After being greeted on the red carpet with a glass of Champagne, Ledger’s friend Sienna Miller, who is playing an evil baroness in G.I. Joe, was brought to tears just at the mention of Ledger’s name. “I just can’t without bursting into tears. Sorry,” she said.

Not that I don’t doubt her sincerity, but for whatever reason I keep picturing a Chris Guest mockumentary, where Sienna Miller never met Heath Ledger, she just thinks crying would be a good career move for her.

And probably mutters something to the effect of “goddamn you Lohan!  Goddamn you!  By the way how’s rehab?”  Well who the hells knows what she would say exactly, but let’s be honest the new photo shoot of Lindsay Lohan reenacting Marilyn Monroe’s final photo shoot, is depressing, oddly compelling, sadly feeds the ego that Lohan is somehow a reincarnation of Monroe (when we know she’s kinda the butt of every joke now), and just feels blasphemous.

As Spencer at Goldenfiddle puts it: “This is, without a doubt, the saddest, stupidest, ugliest, most pointless thing ever. Bert Stern should be ashamed of himself.”

But, if anyone has been asking what happened to her breasts, well they are real, they are big and they are supple.

Here are the words that accompany the now famous, er, infamous photo spread.  Not like anyone cares.  But you may care that some of the original Marilyn Monroe photos can be found here.

And yeah, the photos are NSFW.  Hit the jump for one of them. MORE »

IMAGE COURTESY OF WENN

It seems the enablers have once again surrounded Lindsay Lohan…she’s been spotted having “a few” drinks over the holidays, which is not surprising, a T-Giving is traditionally a fam holiday and the Lohan clan is notorious for releasing statements that include “It’s not her fault!” or “She’s exhausted from overworking!” somewhere in their textual bullshit. Was Lohan’s sober companion fired?

From Bricks & Stones:

“She has been drinking a little bit,” a pal tells us. “Over her week in New York, she did have a few drinks.”  A separate source tells us that she had at least one big fight with her Utah beau, Riley Giles, who joined the Lohan family for the holiday.

After a late-night visit to the Beatrice Inn on Monday, says the source, Lohan was calling Manhattan pals for a place to stay. One friend received numerous voice messages around 4 a.m. But the first source says Lindsay’s alcohol intake was in moderation.

“For Lindsay, her real problem was drugs, not alcohol. In the past, it wasn’t the drinking that was the problem – it was the heavy drug use,” says the friend. “The drug use was way more intense than her party drinking. As long as she isn’t doing drugs, she’s okay.”

She’s been to rehab 27 times! Lohan should know that recovering addicts naturally replace one vice with another, which seemed at first to be retail therapy. But now she’s back on the sauce–how long til she’s back in da club? Soon it’ll be every night that she’s sippin Bacardi like it’s her berfday.

But there is some musical work on the horizon for Lohan: she’s set to record her third album, tentatively titled, “Nobody’s Angel.”Deeeeeeep. It doesn’t sound like her soul is aching to get back in the studio and reflect on all that’s happened to her since her last album (tanked), reports Page Six:

“A source at Universal Music Group tells us she’ll soon start recording her third album, rumored to be titled “Nobody’s Angel.” The tipster said, “She’s only recording because of a contractual obligation to Universal,” which released her second album. Another insider insisted, “Lindsay always planned to release a third album.”

Hmmm, conflicting sources. I would vote that she’s doing this because of contractual obligations and staying on the right side of the law, as opposed to artistic vision guiding her toward her third album. Which may include a collaboration with 50 Cent. Perfect.

IMAGE COURTESY OF BRICKS & STONES

–>Kimberley Stewart and Tommy Lee sat front and center – “together” – at the Nevada Cancer Institute’s sixth annual “Rock for the Cure” fund-raising gala at the Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas last night. They flew in together on her father Rod’s private jet, and the two were linked in the past…in fact, there was even a blind item about them, with a “blond heiress” who “couldn’t keep up” with her “hard-partying rocker boyfriend” and ended the night “foaming at the mouth.” BUT some good did come of the evening: the Institute raised $15 million for research.

IMAGE COURTESY OF BRICKS & STONES

–>Hilary Duff and ex-boyf Aaron Carter were seen in LA yesterday…Carter, famously (and strangely) was involved with both Hilary and Lindsay Lohan at the same time, causing a rift between the tween stars that ended only a few years ago. Watching him on “House of Carters” did nothing but solidify his douche bag rep, and I know Hilary has been known to give a lap dance or two, but she just seems so out of his league. Maybe they’re FWBs though…oooh wait, she’s “waiting.”

IMAGE COURTESY OF CELEBITCHY

–> While the Nicole Richie’s baby shower is being thrown by her mother, Brenda, sister Sophia and friends Paris Hilton and Masha Gordon are listed as the official hosts. But are any of these women doing any actual work? Nope, that’s left up to “wedding planner to the stars”, Mindy Weiss, who takes care of all the annoying deets. In a surprise show of consideration, Nicole won’t be collecting baby sheets with a high thread count or thousand dollar strollers; she and baby daddy Joel Madden have set up the Richie Madden Children’s Foundation and have asked that baby shower attendees make donations of needed baby items instead of giving gifts to Nicole. They’re also asking fans to make donations to their foundation, with the items to go to families in need who visit the LA Free Clinic. Read more about it here.

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

–>Us Weekly compared 13-year-old Lindsay Lohan (in 1996, left) and her 13-year-old sister, Ali, in 2007. I can only wonder who introduced Ali to eyeliner: mother Dina or sister Lindsay? I’m terrified to wonder what else they’re introduced her to…hopefully it’s just tampons.

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

–>It was over before it even began. Lance Armstrong is now denying that he and Ashley Olson were ever an item. But, expectedly, they’re “friends.” From Dlisted: “He told Page Six they are just friends, “We have hung out amongst other friends, and she strikes me as a nice, smart lady.” Uh, a “lady”? I don’t doubt Ashley is the more proper of the twins, however, isn’t she about 11 inches short of ladylike stature? What do I know, they’re quadruple millionaires.

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

Ah, the collection of mugshots on the Lohan mantel has grown to include this latest photo: taken during Lindsay’s booking at Lynwood Correctional Facility yesterday. Lindsay arrived at 1030a (accompanied by her lawyer, Blair Berk), didn’t even make it to a cell (she was kept in a holding area), and was released 84 minutes later at 1154a. It was a photo finish, but Nicole Richie still holds the record for shortest jail time served, clocking in at 82 minutes, when she served time for her DUI.

According to the NY Post, “The jail source says that Lohan was “extremely co-operative and professional.” This 84-minute lockdown has fulfilled the jail time part of her DUI conviction, but she will still be required to complete community service.”

PEOPLE was a bit more graphic, feeling the need to include the strip search detail: “Ms. Lohan was cooperative,” sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore tells PEOPLE. “She was fingerprinted, photographed, and put in a holding cell, but was let go due to our early release policy.” Whitmore also confirmed that Lohan was strip searched as part of routine jail procedure.

Celebitchy points out that the sentence and resulting jail time don’t fit the crimes she committed: “Lindsay’s original sentence – for her two DUIs, felony charges of possession of cocaine, transportation of a narcotic, and driving with a suspended license – [stated that she] was supposed to serve four days in jail, but agreed to serve ten days of community service instead of two of the jail days. She was given credit for one day since she spent time in jail when she was initially arrested.”

Talk about a “Get Out of Jail Free” card…I guess being a celeb allows you to carry that card wherever you go, and there are far too many examples of famous people getting off the hook, or at least lightly, due to their public persona. Also, her new mugshot is mighty orange. And her lips look Botoxed, or at least like she had them done to look like Melanie Griffith’s. In terms of quality, I liked the cracked out-looking Lindsay with bloodshot eyes, stringy hair, and pale skin–she looked like Nick Nolte’s daughter. This new mugshot bears an eerie resemblance to Paris Hilton’s, the one she prettied herself up for. You know Paris, always ready for a photo op.

IMAGE COURTESY OF CELEBITCHY

Lindsay Lohan’s got one (or perhaps a couple–for LA, NYC, and Utah?), Owen Wilson is reported to have one…the sober companion, or “the missing puzzle piece” according to Sober Champion. There are different types, says the website:

“A Sober Companion may be the missing piece you need to stay away from drugs and alcohol.

A Sober Coach can provide intense sessions, as often as you need, to explore issues relating to your successful recovery from substance abuse.

A Sober Escort gets you where you need to go – don’t zig when you should zag!

If you must avoid drinking, using, gambling, self-injury, or some other obsessive and compulsive behavior, and your case requires round-the-clock assistance, try our Sober Companion services.

If you have been to residential treatment, you’ve made a substantial investment in yourself. Protect that investment with Sober Champion. Let’s help define your goals, identify & help you surmount roadblocks, and become your advocate as you live a life beyond expectations.”

When you’re dealing with serious addictions, you need to think like an addict. Which is why I’m pleased that Lindsay’s sober companions have placed no faith in the struggling actress. And boy, did she ever come through, trying to order vodka on Oct. 19, reports Celebitchy:

“Lindsay Lohan’s aides are going out of their way to make sure the actress/singer stays sober after spending much of the summer in rehab, they’ve told staff at all her old hangouts not to let her drink alcohol. The “Mean Girls” star found this out for herself when she tried to order vodka at Los Angeles’ Viceroy hotel on October 19.

A staff member at the hotel reveals Lohan spent an hour sipping water, but felt the need for something stronger as her friends started to get tipsy. A source tells Life & Style magazine, “She was fine at first, but it was obviously too soon for her to be around people who were drinking, because she later asked the server for a vodka. “But her people had called ahead and servers were told not to give in no matter how often Lindsay asked for alcohol.”

Despite denials about the incident from Lohan’s publicist, a guest at the Viceroy, who overheard the exchange between the actress and a waitress, tells the publication, “I heard the waitress say that she was sorry but she wasn’t allowed to serve her. Lindsay walked out soon after, looking embarrassed.”

While her publicist says Lindsay is “focusing on her work and sobriety”, they had to do extra damage control and wiggle her out of a contract with Las Vegas club LAX, where Lindsay was pegged to host their annual New Year’s Eve party. And guess whose filling in? None other than fellow down-on-her-luck party girl, Paris Hilton, who is being paid one million dollars to play hostess. Which essentially means she drinks all night for free and poses for endless (annoying) photos. Wasn’t Paris allegedly “focusing on her sobriety” as well and going to Rwanda to…pose for photos in villages and tell Rwandans they’re hot? Looks like both these girls are beginning to revert back to their old ways. Sadly, that was what got them the most press.

IMAGE COURTESY OF CELEBITCHY

What’s Lindsay Lohan up to, besides plenty of sober fun i.e. getting new extensions and running out for cupcakes? How about a pregnancy scare to keep her in the news? Star magazine’s Nov. 12 edition reports that after her period was late, Lindsay’s snowboarder boyf Riley Giles, popped the question.

“Just when Lindsay Lohan thought she was back on track after finally getting sober, the actress got a major shock that could have threatened it all: According to a source, Lindsay was days “late” and feared she was pregnant with boyfriend Riley Giles’ baby.

“Lindsay was terrified,” the source tells Star. “She’s also gained weight, and she started worrying that it was from being pregnant.”

And while having a child with someone she loves is something that Lindsay has always dreamed about, it’s not the right time, says the source. “She just figured out how to get sober – she’s certainly not ready to be responsible for a child now!”

But when Lindsay, 21, broke down and told Riley she thought she might be pregnant, his reaction was not quite what she expected. “He was actually pretty excited,” says the source. “And he did was he thought was right and proposed on the spot.”

Lindsay’s response? “It literally took her breath away,” says the source. “She was touched, but she knew it was not the right thing to do and turned him down. She told him that she cares for him deeply, but they weren’t ready to get married. Riley totally understood.”

A few days later, Lindsay’s fears were put to rest when she finally got her period.”

Personally, I don’t see getting pregnant being “the major shock that could have threatened it all.” I see Lindsay (and Dina and Michael) playing that up to the fullest extent, with People covering her baby shower and Hollywood maternity boutiques clamoring for her to wear their tunics and leggings. In fact, being pregnant might might encourage her to stay sober a la Nicole Richie, but that’s a terrible reason to get pregnant. That, and publicity. Either way, let’s be thankful Lindsay is “focusing on her career” and not bringing a new life into the world. Also, let’s be thankful for Star’s thrilling coverage (”Riley totally understood.”) as they continue to be a step ahead of US Weekly.

IMAGE COURTESY OF NATIONAL ENQUIRER

I posted yesterday about Bree Tierney, the scorned woman behind Lindsay Lohan’s new love, snowboarder/rehabber Riley Giles. New developments, she has (according to The National Enquirer) / hasn’t (according to Bree herself) given an interview about her former fiancee’s involvement with The Vulture. Via Dlisted, here are some excerpts. Bree first met Lindsay at a patients’ meeting at the Cirque Lodge, where both Riley and Lindsay were being treated for addiction (why Bree was allowed to attend is questionable, unless it was a family meet-n-greet):

“She came into the meeting with Riley, and she comes over and sits next to me, being overly nice. She was complimenting me on my hair and trying to be my friend. It didn’t seem sincere at all.

“A few days later, I get a text message from Riley telling me he wanted to ‘take a break.’ I knew instantly it was because of Lindsay.”

Riley and Bree were together for three years, and planning on getting married (but it depends whom you talk to; Riley is denying there was an engagement while Bree actually has the cheap cubic zirconia ring he gave her!). Until Lindsay entered the picture.

“But when he finally confessed to me that he had sex with Lindsay in one of the stairwells at Cirque — that was it, we were done. Lindsay has no morals and needs some serious help — besides drug rehab — for all her other problems.”

News for you: so does your ex-fiancee.

IMAGE COURTESY OF TMZ (Riley’s mugshot for writing a forged prescription)

But not they’ve taken to their MySpace pages, a la Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler during one of their many divorce/reconciliation periods, and Crazy Days and Nights has the entire exchange, supposedly leaked by one of Riley’s “friends.” Warning: if you’re a word nerd, please take this time to heavily sigh and light a candle honoring the passing of appropriate grammar in speech and writing, and batten down the hatches for the advent of text-speak, atrocious spelling, and frequent abbrevs.

From: Riley
Date: 17/10/2007

naah i went fuckin physco yesterday, they took all my shit away from me! OVER YOU!why are u runnin to the tabloids with these fake stories? wtf, whats going on? u & ur moms talkin to everyone! i shouldnt have to defend myself to everyone, and linds is not a homewrecker & u know that!

From: breezkie
Date: Oct 17, 2007 10:42 PM

thats fine way over it as well, one question why u denying the engagement and why did you come talk to mt and say u wanted me back, then go w her. i loved ur family they were the only normal people i could call my family that ive ever had in my life, i had you and i thought things were gonaa get better after we drove around and talked but no she got yah all smittened and star struck, so yah she is a home wrecker and ull find out who really cared for ou in the long run! Ue kidding urself ri! good riidannce and one word karma. yah and its not fair that i gotta wear a beanie hoodie and sunglasses in order to go outta the house. its one thing to go thru a break up but its another thing to have it spread in ur face every where! and people chasing me down wanting info. taking pictures ts crazy and sux. what do you mean they took all ur shit away?

From: Riley
Date: 17/10/2007

peoples chasin you down? you serious? nobody knew about u until u ran to the media! our engagement was NEVER official, just somethin we talked about, idk wut to do im just so mad over this whole situation, was that you spreadin my mugshot all ovea the internet as well? REALLY low. u WERE my rock. i thought things were gonna change but u had to go and ruin it, im not starstruck by anyomne, you just dont get it AT all. karam DOES suck, i just dont get why your talkin to everyone, its no ones business but OURS. we needa have a chat, SERIOUSLY 1 on 1, god knows who ur gonna sell this fuckin message to

From: breezkie
Date: Oct 17, 2007 11:02 PM

i didnt run my mouth they found me! they knew about nicole and everything i dont know how theyed get her name. our names are repoted as our last address and they knew who i was so they came to me to find me like 5 diff mags i have a lawyer now cause of all this shit theyre attackin me holmes. i agree we need to have a 1 on 1 talk, yah know some closure r whatever. it can be totally private i wont let any one know. same would have to go for you though! You down?

From: Riley
Date: 17/10/2007

please, please…. u have no fucking idea of wut im going threw right now, never felt like this EVER….!!! 1on1, im so down…. idk how we gonna do this, theres peoples outside right now waitin for me to peek out tha window, its fuckin crazy.. i wish i could call you,how much u gettin for these interviews?

From: breezkie
Date: Oct 17, 2007 11:09 PM
call me

From: Riley
Date: 17/10/2007
i CANT bitch

From: breezkie
Date: Oct 17, 2007 11:22 PM

you jus said u wish u could why cant you? well if u decide to call and i dnt answer leave a message. ur num still the same? u dnt know how crazy my life is. poparrazzi wtf i never expected that one comin, me runnin from pop and radio stations want to have me on air. one guy even said he wanted to do a reality show i was like hell no man wtf? these people are scavangers!

From: Riley
Date: 17/10/2007

you fuckin love it. they wouldnt want more, if u wouldnt have opened ur mouth@!how much did u make off the interviews?

This is voyeurism at its extreme, but I posted this more as a tribute to the abomination of grammar/speech in the tween, teen, and twenty-something generations. Strunk & White must be rolling in their graves. Now I am certainly one for abbrevs and acronyms, but I know when to draw the line. I feel like some people actually think their thoughts in “LOL/KIT/ROFL/LMAO/IDK speak. And I can’t read “idk” without thinking of that phone commercial where the mom asks the grandma who she was talking/texting, and she responds, “IDK. My BFF, Rose.”

–>As of this afternoon, Britney Spears has lost full custody of her two sons effective Wed 10/03. For more minute-by-minute coverage, visit TMZ: “L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order today, stating that Kevin Federline, the boys’ father, “is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court.” Talk about outta left field…
IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

–>Were they simply passing by one another in the same exotic locale, or were they sharing Mai Tais n’ more? According to multiple gossip sites (Celebitchy, Egotastic, Yeeah), Orlando Bloom and Jennifer Aniston were on vacay in Mexico this past weekend, and it couldn’t be a weirder celeb combo if Bea Arthur went to Cabo with Brody Jenner.
IMAGE COURTESY OF EGOTASTIC

–>A reformed Michael Lohan will travel to Utah tonight to pick up recovering daughter Lindsay from Cirque Lodge for a five-day visit in an undisclosed location. White Oprah (aka Dina Lohan) alerts People mag via email, saying, “Blah blah healing, blah blah making amends, blah blah doing fantastic.” Alright, really she said, “‘It can only help her recovery. It’s time to mend. He is visiting Lindsay alone because we are giving her dad a chance to make amends.” What it’s time for is no mesh shirts. Weirdo! I don’t care if he’s an internet minister now, he’s a creep! And Lindsay’s his meal ticket! Of course he’s trying to make amends, he’s got a rap sheet as long as George Burns‘ career. Sidenote: is there already a Lohan Family Dynasty E! True Hollywood Story? I’ve seen the Simpson Family one, but they’re no dynasty, and the Lohan fam drama is way juicier than nose jobs and failed reality show marriages.
IMAGE COURTESY OF OH NO THEY DIDN’T!

A Tommy Lee wannabe. (As a word nerd, I love when things rhyme.) I posted last week on Lindsay Lohan’s rumored bathroom tryst in rehab with “good friend, similar affliction” Tony Allen, who happens to be dun dun dun…married. And not to a groupie, but to Stephanie Allen, a British heiress worth about $1 billion, and a woman who is taking the tabloid rags very seriously i.e. filing for divorce.

Lohan is not named in the divorce papers but Allen states “conduct and relationship with another woman” is reason for the implosion of their marriage. Hmmm. Lohan’s rep fires back via US Weekly: “It’s unfortunate Stephanie Allen is blaming the demise of her marriage on Lindsay. Stephanie needs to look at her marriage to determine the reason why things went wrong because it has nothing to do with Lindsay. Lindsay and Tony are friends and that’s all. They are supporting one another through a similar experience. This is a friendship based on trust and mutual support and nothing else.”

There’s conflicting reports as to how much longer Lohan will stay at Cirque Lodge, the rehab facility where’s she’s already been in treatment two months. Perez Hilton says she could be out any day now, while MSN’s Hot Gossip thinks she’ll be there another month (or two). Either way White Oprah/Dina Lohan says, “She’s doing fantastic!” which is exactly what she said the last two times Lindsay was in rehab, so this could pull in any direction. Despite it being a he said/she said issue, sober or not, she’s still adding to her list of moral crimes, which is sickeningly long for a 21-year-old.

Dlisted has the story on Lindsay Lohan’s rehab rebound, Tony Allen of the band “Dead Stays Alive” (never heard of it? Me neither). Apparently he’s married, and their dalliance, however rumored, does not sit well with his wife, billionairess Stephanie Allen.

“Tony is married to British heiress Stephanie Allen. Stephanie’s family founded Linpac Packaging and they are worth over $1 Billion. Stephanie is also mother to Tony’s twin 8-month-old daughters. Friends of the heiress say she’s already kicked him out of the house.

A source said, “She’s has had it, period. They tried forever to have kids. She went through IVF three times and suffered two miscarriages, and when they finally got two beautiful babies, he hooks up in rehab with a girl half his age.”

“He is trying to live out this rock star fantasy at 40. All Stephanie wanted was for him to be a good husband and father.”

Blohan is due to be released from rehab on or about October 15th. White Oprah said she plans to travel to Europe and “study.” Study the herbs of Amsterdam I’m sure.

Tony is still sticking with his story that they aren’t fucking. “We’re great friends. We share a common affliction, and we just talk about life sometimes.”

Uh, “just talk about life sometimes”? With a 21-year-old? Now I know she’s been involved in DUIs and car chases and bathroom blitzes and going underwearless and falling down in Bryan Adams‘ house, but that does not mean she’s seen the world. And wasn’t she caught f-ing a fellow rehabber in the bathroom at Cirque Lodge? Just sayin…pairing this with the other story I posted about Lohan being a sex addict, and you’ve got a grade A, fucked up starlet.

IMAGE COURTESY OF CELEBRITY GOSSIP.NET

Mary-Louise Parker of “Weeds” fame (insert “toke”n joke here) has adopted a baby girl from Africa, her rep tells People, to join her 3-year-old son, Will, by actor Billy Crudup (remember him? He left her after seven years together for Claire Danes? And remember the movie Crudup and Danes were in together? Thought not). Way to expand the fam, girlfriend!

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds premiered their love–where else but the airport! The two, who have been dating since April, have been coy about romance rumors but now this holding hands business seals the deal. According to A Socialite’s Life, Reynolds, who had a long engagement with Alanis Morissette, “is a big fan of moving forward” with Johansson, but the latter would prefer to move slowly. Here’s a tip in moving slowly: don’t match your accessories until at least eight months into the relationship.

Dave Grohl can say some pretty funny things (I mean, who better to make fun of Mentos than Dave Grohl?), but this takes the cake. Via I Don’t Like You In That Way, Grohl comments on why Paris Hilton rules. PSYCH! More like why she sucks: “Paris is fucking lame. She’s more offensive to me than anything. She’s a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her.” And millions of fathers share your prayer…Paris, in retaliation, will have her publicist come out with a statement like, “Paris has never met Mr. Grohl, and doesn’t know why he would spend so much time thinking about her. She has always been a big fan of his music and she wishes him the best in future endeavors.”

Despite Lindsay Lohan’s rehab stay now nearing two months, sources at Cirque Lodge are reporting that she is being treated for sex addiction, in addition to her dependencies on drugs and alcohol. Reports Metro UK: “A source told US Star magazine: ‘She’s been having erotic dreams about her former lovers, like Calum Best, Wilmer Valderrama, and Jared Leto.’ ‘Her counsellors are trying to get her to understand that she’s substituting one addiction for another.’ The insider added: ‘Besides the obvious dangers of STDs, having indiscriminate sex can lead to emotional heartbreak, and that can lead to drug and alcohol abuse. If she doesn’t come to grips with this, Lindsay is going to find herself back in rehab-sex addiction.’” Just like rehab to be so judgmental and slap you with another label when they find you having sex in a bathroom stall with a fellow patient.

So apparantly, besides getting into trouble with DUI’s and drugs isn’t the only skill set Lindsay Lohan possesses. Apparantly she can also raise the fictitious dead. While perusing for a list of credits for Mark Protosevich, I came across this little tidbit on IMDB:

Both Lindsay Lohan’s parents are responsible for her bad behavior, according to the actress’s long-term bodyguard Tony Almeida. Almeida, who worked for Lohan for three years until 2005, claims Dina Lohan and Michael Lohan failed to provide the 21-year-old with any structure – and kept her working to pay for their lifestyle.

He tells In Touch magazine, “From a young age, she dealt with her father’s physical, emotional and drug abuses as well as her mother’s drinking.” Almeida also claims he had to pull Michael off his daughter – then 16 – after he stopped the car he was driving “and dragged her out of the car, pushed her up against the hood, screamed at her and called her a slut.”

He adds that Dina frequently “let her do whatever she wanted, just to keep her happy and working . . . (At her 16th birthday party) Lindsay drank whatever she wanted – I saw her drinking beer and mixed drinks with my own eyes (without Dina’s intervention).” He says, “Lindsay was the family cash cow – and she (Dina) resented it. They counted on her to pay their bills…I saw Lindsay exhausted, begging her mother for some time off.”

In the interview, Almeida goes on to claim Lohan’s parents allowed her to sleep with ex-boyfriend Aaron Carter when she was 15 and he 14, and that he caught her sniffing white powder in a nightclub when she was 18. He also alleges that the actress cut herself and threatened suicide during miserable teen years.

Our emphasis added, of course. But really? Her body guard is ex-CTU agent Tony Almeida? What, she couldn’t afford Jack Bauer? Do you think she would have any of the problems she would be having if Jack Bauer were her bodyguard. No! You know why?

Because Jack Bauer would have killed the cops and the drug dealers and her parents and every single member of the paparazzi by now. In fact, he would also have killed the trashy journalists reporting on the story. Because that’s how Jack Bauer rolls.

Tony Almeida, apparently not so much.