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Anytime I come across a story about pandas, I think of Ed Norton in Fight Club. He goes, “I wanted to put a bullet in every panda that wouldn’t have sex to save itself.”  Or something like that.

And then there are the pandas who bite people in China.

He said the student was bitten in the arms and legs. Two foreign visitors who saw the attack ran to get help from workers at a nearby refreshment stand, who notified park officials, the employee said.

The student was pale as he was taken away by medics but appeared clear-headed, he said.

“Yang Yang was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle him. I didn’t expect he would attack,” the 20-year-old student, surnamed Liu, said in a local hospital, according to the official Xinhua News Agency.

Liu underwent surgery Friday evening and was out of danger, but will remain in the hospital for several days, Xinhua said.

Yang Yang, who was flown to Guilin last year from Sichuan province, was behaving normally on Saturday and did not seem to suffer any negative psychological effects, the park employee said.

Seriously?  I just wanted to cuddle with the panda?  What is wrong with people?

Willamette Week, Portland’s alt-weekly that elevates the genre from your usual rag to something a bit more respectful made their endorsement.  It was a real schiavo for the hometown paper to endorse Obama/Biden, but they did it with such elan.  The article itself wasn’t all that illuminating, except for the cover poster created by Barry Stock, a 1000 word picture if there ever has been one.

It says it all.  (Even more so than the ignorant supporters turning up at Palin’s rallies.)  Perfect, succinct, clear, simple and expressive.  Nope. No thanks, come again at some other time.  We don’t want you, we don’t need you, we think you’re pretty useless.  Maybe nope will become the new FAIL, which has already worn its course.

You’ve done the city proud Willamette Week and for that we salute you.

Oh, Florida.? Seems like the craziest of crazy news emanates from that humidity-drenched hellhole.? Let us briefly count the ways:

1) Mother cages 17-year-old son, gets 20 years in prison.

2) Middle school teacher enslaves Haitian girl.

3) Jack Thompson is from there.

And now, a 14-year-old boy was handed over to juvenile police officers for breaking into a Central Florida home and ordering $129 worth of porno movies on the family’s TV.

The Channel 6 article is a delightful romp in the garden of sin.? My favorite bleached quote:

Palm Bay police said the family had just returned from shopping when the boy was found watching television.

Yes, he was “watching television.”? He order $129 worth of porn to “watch.”? No, Channel 6, Little Jimmy was feverishly masturbating on the family’s couch, shedding a tear or two for his lost soul and hopeless, pathetic future.

The case of Little Jimmy leaves many unanswered questions.? Let us briefly explore these questions:

1) What kind of porn was he watching?? Gay?? Straight?? Bestiality?

2) How has he evaded the knowledge that the Internet features billions of websites devoted to free porn?

3) How much porn does $129 buy?

4) How did Little Jimmy expect to watch $129 worth of porn in one sitting?

5) Did he have lube?

Because he’s a minor, these questions may never be answered and we, as a nation, may never achieve spiritual peace.? Alas.

We don’t spend nearly as much time talking politics as we’d like around here, mostly, becuase it’s theater for ugly people.? Only with much more drastic repurcussions.? Sadly, two articles I came across made me stand up and want to shrug my shoulders and shake my head in disgust.

First, from Politico.? Fearing a general election where the GOP has to walk on egg shells against either Hillary or Obama, for fear of being called racist or sexist, they’ve hired opinion polls to find out how far they can go before feeling a backlash.

Top Republican strategists are working on plans to protect the GOP from charges of racism or sexism in the general election, as they prepare for a presidential campaign against the first ever African-American or female Democratic nominee.

The Republican National Committee has commissioned polling and focus groups to determine the boundaries of attacking a minority or female candidate, according to people involved. The secretive effort underscores the enormous risk senior GOP operatives see for a party often criticized for its insensitivity to minorities in campaigns dating back to the 1960s.

The RNC project is viewed as so sensitive that those involved in the work were reluctant to discuss the findings in detail. But one Republican strategist, who asked that his name be withheld to speak candidly, said the research shows the daunting and delicate task ahead.

Republicans will be told to ?be sensitive to tone and stick to the substance of the discussion? and that ?the key is that you have to be sensitive to the fact that you are running against historic firsts,? the strategist explained.

Um, or you could just not be racist or sexist. ? That’s a start.? I love that they are worried about “appearing” racist.? However, Rep. Donald Brown (R-Fla.) must have not gotten the memo.

Rep. Donald Brown (R) introduced a bill last week to create a ?Confederate Heritage? license plate for the state. Saying ?it would give motorists a way to show pride in their heritage,? Brown proposes a $25 charge for motorists to purchase a plate with ?a shield displaying the rebel battle flag symbol surrounded by several flags from the Civil War era.? The money would benefit ?educational programs run by Sons of Confederate Veterans,? which considers the Civil War to be ?the Second American Revolution.?

I love how some people see the Civil War as “the Second American Revolution.”? Again, you lost the war get over it.? That was almost 150 years ago.? McCain might want to box Rep. Brown in the ears and have him get in line.? Nothing like proposing a Confederate Flag license plate when you’re trying to not “appear” racist.

<sarcasm>Almost as genius as Truck Nutz.? I love Rednecks.</sarcasm>