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There is nothing redeeming about this movie, which I unwittingly slogged through out of curiosity and shear boredom.  Terrible story, boring action, hammy acting, etc.  For sure there was a good movie to be made, but director Stephen Summers didn’t do it.  Really, if you have to watch this movie, watch it for Joe Gordon-Levitt’s delicious turn as Cobra Commander/The Doctor.

What do the Joes do on their downtime between training and shooting lazers that seem to hit no one even though they are the best trained soldiers on the planet fighting Cobra?

Well, now we know.  And if the new movie was worth anything, it was being made just so we could get the above parody — one that features a better cast and storyline. 

Alexis Bledel as Lady Jaye
• Billy Crudup as Zartan
• Zack Galifiankais as Snow Job
• Tony Hale as Dr. Mindbender
• Vinnie Jones as Destro
• Joey Kern as Tomax and Xamot
• Chuck Liddell as Gung Ho
• Julianne Moore as Scarlett
• Henry Rollins as Duke
• Alan Tudyk as Shipwreck
• Olivia Wilde as The Baroness

And that doesn’t even ruin the cameo at the end, which is incredible.  Spoiler alert: he betrayed America during the first Gulf War by switching sides.  Still, if I can find it in my sixth-grade heart to forgive the man that broke my heart to begin with, then I suppose we can forgive Paramount and director Stephen Sommers for the trainwreck that was G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. 

This video goes a long way to making that happen.

And it isn’t pretty, especially for a movie which is heading towards an opening weekend gross of ~ $60M.

“G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” is a 118-minute animated film with sequences involving the faces and other body parts of human beings. It is sure to be enjoyed by those whose movie appreciation is defined by the ability to discern that moving pictures and sound are being employed to depict violence. Nevertheless, it is better than “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.”

This is one of those so obvious it’s genius, why didn’t I think of that type of things. But I would let this t-shirt make love to my beer belly any day of the week and thrice on Sundays (being the Lord’s Day and all reverence must be paid accordingly).

“The Battle”, is a limited edition G.I. Joe parody t-shirt by Nerduo, printed by Wire & Twine, and released just in time for next Friday’s box-office failure, geek blunder and all-around misfire, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

[via]

This just looks bad. Terrible. I’m mystified how a director could screw up this movie so badly. I haven’t even seen it yet, but based on all available evidence, I can’t imagine wanting to. Those exo-suits. Christ. I’m left to just shake my head in bewilderment. Especially because the casting in this one feels so right.

There really isn’t anything in this trailer that makes us think Stephen Sommers G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra is going to be anything more than goofy, mindless summer entertainment.  Fine, but it doesn’t even look like it’s attempting to rise out of the gutter for something more meaty. 

Aside from maybe a few good fight scenes, how can this rise above or be compared to the childhood destroying G.I. Joe: Resolute from Warren Ellis and Cartoon Network?

Is anyone watching this on Adult Swim?  It’s written by Warren Ellis, of all people, and episodes are only five-minutes long or so.  But it’s good.  It’s very good.  Which, I can’t decide if that’s because of nostalgia or not. We’ll see.

So far only six episodes have been aired, but Adult Swim is airing them two at a time until the series concludes on April 25. All of the mainstays Joes are present and accounted for, like Scarlet, Roadblock, Duke, Hawk, Tunnel Rat, Snake Eyes, etc.  The episodes are slow to roll out the villains, however.  We finally lay eyes on Destro and The Baroness by episode four.

It’s refreshing to see someone take a silly cartoon (and the one from my childhood was very silly in retrospect) and give it a patina fashionable for big kids.  The animation hues close to the sharp lines of anime, but that produces an almost noirish-moody atmosphere. Which is almost vertigo-inducing.  It’s the cartoon of my childhood, but it’s been updated for my adulthood.

The first episode, seen above, is pretty slow as it sets everything up.  But by episode two, when Snake Eyes infilitrates Cobra Island and cuts a dude in half, it’s evident that Ellis is not only respecting the material, but in all likelihood giving G.I. Joe fans the only adaptation worth watching this year.  And that includes the big budget summer movie about to be released.

When I was a yound lad, the only toy I ever really wanted was the G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier.� It was six-feet long of toy greatness, an improbable thing.� So improbable that it was discontinued after only a year of existence.� Most kids wanted the toy, but only got to see it from a display at K.B. Toys or Toys ‘R Us.� I was lucky enough to have actually seen one up close; the kid down the street had one.� I’m not sure if it was worth the pricetag, but shit, it was amazing.

Still, I don’t think the G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier has anything on this aircraft carrier created out of legos.� I have no details on who created it or how long it is or how many Legos were used in created it.� The only real question I have is how long did it take to create this work of art? There are more pictures at the guy’s website and you can see in greater detail what this beauty entails.

[via Reddit]

Regular readers know we’ve been following the developments of the live action G.I. Joe movie.� We’re fence sitting.� Some stuff seems good, some bad, other stuff completely indifferent.� Today, photos have been popping up online all over the place of the cast.� Thankfully, Peter gathered them all together.� His analysis that the images are all lame might be overreaching, but it certainly is in the ballpark.� We get first looks at Destro, General Hawk, Duke, The Baroness, Storm Shadow, Breaker, Heavy Duty and Ripcord.

The problem with G.I. Joe is the cartoon, when looking back on it, was probably pretty lame.� And it’s almost impossible to adapt something that is kitschy to begin with.� Especially given the outfits and uniforms.� And that’s just from a design standpoint.� Never mind on a story, believability, funness or whatever other metric you want to use to judge the end product.

Sometimes, when a product starts off bad, there’s almost no recovering from it.� That certainly looks to be the case here.� Not across the board.� Some of the stuff has me intrigued, but has left me skeptical until proven otherwise.

The cast for director Stephen Sommers big screen G.I. Joe adaptation has been a mixed bag so far.� There are some pluses like Dennis Quaid (General Hawk), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Cobra Commander), Channing Tatum (Duke) and to a lesser extent Rachel Nichols (Scarlet).� But then there are some questions marks with Sienna Miller as The Baronness and Marlon Wayans as Ripcord.

That’s not to even mention the inbetweens like Christopher Ecleston (Destro), Arnold Vosloo (Zartan), Mr. Eko (Heavy Duty), etc. etc.

But one thing that has never been doubted was the casting of Ray Park as silent ninja Snake Eyes.� It was a chiavo decision much like casting Patrick Stewart as Professor X. � Now comes the first look of Ray Park in full Snake Eyes costume.� I think they nail the look of him pretty well.� In that you couldn’t possibly ask for them to do better.� I also like that they haven’t changed much from his costume including the LaVar Burton visor thingie that he wears.

Now the look is certainly cool, but it all comes down to the origin story of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow.� If they get that right, it could actually make for some compelling cinema and elevate this property above the mindless summer actioner.� Two brothers who become enemies, themes of revenge and a vow of silence.

Snake Eyes with katana and gun

The always estimable Frosty over at Collider sat down with actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt during his press day for the upcoming Stop Loss and asked a few questions regarding his participation in Stephen Sommers G.I. Joe.� In that film, it is rumored that Gordon-Levitt will be playing Cobra Commander.

�Here’s the skinny:

Collider: What attracted you to being in G.I. Joe and how much of a fan are you of Akira?

�

Joseph Gordon Levitt: (he laughs) Well what attracted me to being in G.I. Joe was when they showed me the drawings of the character that I was going to get to play. I love the idea of just getting to play something way, way larger and huger than life. It�s kind of the opposite of Stop Loss, in fact. Stop Loss is a realistic portrayal of what it�s like to be a solider today. I think movies can be two things � or many things. Movies can be any number of things, they can be – despite the fact that some people don�t believe this � but I think movies can be a meaningful and profound work of art about humanity. They can also be just a spectacle for pure entertainment and that�s another tradition. And that�s the tradition that G.I. Joe fits into, as opposed to Stop Loss, which is, I think, a layered and profound human story. G.I. Joe is not layered or profound at all; it�s just a big thrill ride�it�s like have some fun. And it�s a lot of fun. And when I saw those drawings of the character I was going to get to play, I got that feeling of like just being a kid and wow, that�s so cool, and I get to be that and yeah�that�s why I wanted to do it. And Akira, I love that movie and I know that they are writing in blogs that I�m doing it. It�s funny because the script isn�t even done. I haven�t read a script yet.

�

Collider: But would you be interested assuming the script is up to par? Because they�ve talked about Leonardo DiCaprio and you being the two leads.

�

Joseph Gordon Levitt: Like I said, I love that movie. I love that movie. Assuming the script is up to par is a rather big assumption, you know what I mean. �Who knows? There are a million great ideas but it�s all about the execution.

Certainly, landing Gordon-Levitt for a role in Akira with Leonard DiCaprio would propel that movie up the expectation charts a bit.� If you’ve never seen Brick do yourself a favor and go rent that movie today.

I’m not quite sure what to make of the G.I. Joe movie that is about to begins shooting.� First off, it seems that studio Paramount doesn’t really know what to do with the property.� They hired hack director Stephen Sommers, who given great material may actually be capable of delivering a fun and breezy movie, even if we haven’t seen it from him.� He’s not totally unredeemable like say Uwe Boll or Paul W.S. Anderson.

But then the script leaked and Hasbro had to issue press releases to reassure fans and whomever would listen that they went back to retool the script.� And then, if that was bad enough, it seems like they’ve assembled a lackluster cast.

First it was Sienna Miller, boo, but then Ray Park was cast as Snake Eyes, yay!� Then we got word that some other actors had been cast including Mr. Eko from Lost.� Today we got word that both Marlon Wayans, yikes, and Joseph Gorden-Levitt have been added to the cast.

Marlon Wayans has shown signs of brilliance in the past, but then again that was when he was working for Darren Aronofsky on Requiem for a Dream.� Wayans will play Ripcord.� Despite loving his performance in Aronofsky’s movie, Wayans hasn’t shown much since then, except his goofiness in lots of bad comedies.

Gordon-Levitt, a rising “serious” actor in indie films, is best known for his role on sitcom Third Rock from the Sun.� Seems like he’s cashing a major payday.� If being in this means he can pursue projects that excite him then by all means sellout friend.� No word yet on who Gordon-Levitt has been cast as. � Seriously though, go rent Brick if you haven’t seen it.� JGL is the star and it’s absolutely a work of dynomite.

G.I. Joe is expected to hit theaters in August of 2009