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Her new video for “Break the Ice.”  At least she looks better animated than she does in real life.  The song is bad, I suggest watching it on mute and crank up another tune.  May I suggest something from The Advantage?  You know that 8-bit Nintendo cover band.  Cause that makes this video play out like a badass cartoon as opposed to a lame music video.

IMAGE COURTESY OF IN TOUCH

Not just one, but two trash rags are reporting that Britney Spears is knocked up for the third time, and claims In Touch, she “won’t be happy unless it’s a girl.” Pregnancy is a horrifying prospect when Britney’s involved, as she can’t even handle the two boys she has and is currently half-assed fighting in court for them. Even her “Dirrty” Mickey Mouse club co-star Christina Aguilera, oh she of assless chaps and drag-queen baby showers, seems to be handling impending motherhood quite nicely (see Mollygood for her nude pregnant Marie Claire cover), but for Britney, “raising children” has been, to put it lightly, a challenge.

But don’t worry about what name will be bestowed on this *fingers crossed* girl, or even her future dental habits…while I understand In Touch and Star uncover the truth occasionally (hell, even the National Enquirer broke the Owen Wilson story), this pregnancy appears to be a ruse.

First, the falsities. From the cover of In Touch: “Yes, she’s pregnant!” the mag terrifyingly declares. “Ultrasounds, her excited e-mails to friends — now the father of Britney’s third child confirms it’s true.”

Are you guessing hate sex with KFed? Sorry, the father who confirmed this “pregnancy” is her on-off fling, music producer JR Rotem. Let me refresh your memory of his soundbites to Blender mag, now on newsstands:

“I have a fear of germs”; “I don’t invest in real estate, I invest in jewelry”; “I’m a Leo, a lion”; “I’ve seen Zoolander 100 times”; and, finally, “I fucked Britney wheelbarrow style. Just kidding. It was tractor style.”

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

Feel free to speculate what tractor-style means in the comment section. Next up is Star, who got their hot little hands on a Myspace message supposedly written by Brit, which says:

“Yes, I am pregnant and I am shocked — almost four weeks to be exact,” the tab (via the New York Daily News) claims she wrote in a message. “I don’t really know if I’m happy or sad I’m just … idk [I don't know] I am happy I guess. I saw the ultrasound and it was really kewl!”

But along comes MSN’s Hot Gossip section to cry foul on these reports, and ruin Britney’s overwhelming feelings of happiness…I guess.

“Thankfully, there appears to be no reason to panic just yet. Spears’ suctioned-on BFF Sam Lutfi tapped out a text to Ryan Seacrest Wednesday morning refuting the bun-in-the-oven rumblings.

“It’s BS,” he wrote. “Don’t know who made it up. J.R. doesn’t even know what’s up. It’s fake. Completely fake.”

For good measure, Lutfi also sent a message to People, calling the baby talk a “big lie.”

Britney “laughed at it,” he says, adding that she probably won’t address the story directly because “if she were to give a statement about every lie, she’d be giving statements forever.”

IMAGE COURTESY OF BRICKS & STONES

Other good news in Britney’s life comes from Bricks & Stones, who reports that her couches are stained with shit from her dogs and her sons’ diaper changings and the court-appointed monitor is set to declare the house a “potential health hazard”.

Also, she has a sex room with costumes that will surprise you (Psych! It’s the old Catholic school girl cliche–but would her outfit from “Hit Me Baby” even fit anymore?) and various kinky toys.

AND she tried to steal some wigs at the Hustler store in West Hollywood after taking off her own undies in the middle of the store to try on some boy-cut briefs.

She is a modern-day Howard Hughes (toward the end of his life–you know, tissues to touch everything?), or to a lesser extent, Liza Minnelli. Wacky but rich, so you put up with their eccentricities because it makes a story fit to print.

IMAGE COURTESY OF TMZ

Both sides of the KFed/Brit custody battle will be back in court tomorrow for an emergency hearing based on the above photo still, captured by TMZ on video. You think the car’s moving, or she just happens to be in a prong of paparazzi? Come on, it’s Britney: your best guess would be narrowed down to the worst possible decision a human can make. She’s holding her phone in front of her face and appears to be texting, but that’s not the worst of it. The video is damning evidence of Britney running a red light Thursday evening through a busy intersection, with both kids in back and the court-appointed monitor in the front seat, looking like she’s holding on for dear life (though hunched over).

IMAGE COURTESY OF TMZ

Further complicating matters, one of Brit’s drug tests came back false positive. Reports TMZ:

“TMZ has learned Britney Spears will now say her false positive drug test may have been caused by her inhaler, which she uses for asthma.

Sources connected with Spears told TMZ yesterday that the drug that may have caused the positive was Provigil, used to treat narcolepsy. But TMZ did some digging and found Provigil would not show up on a court-ordered drug test.

Now the same source says the drug that showed up may have been Albuterol, an asthma drug. But, again, we checked and Albuterol is not an amphetamine, and the class of drug that showed up on the test was an amphetamine.

K-Fed’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, will press the issue tomorrow in court.”

Again, THOSE ARE NOT AMPHETAMINES. Adderall and Dexedrine are. The physical effects of long-term abuse, according to Wikipedia, include: “tremor, restlessness, changed sleep patterns, anxiety and increase in pre-existing anxiety, poor skin condition, hyperreflexia, tachypnea, gastrointestinal narrowing, and weakened immune system. Fatigue and depression can follow the excitement stage. Erectile dysfunction, heart problems, stroke, and liver, kidney and lung damage can result from prolonged abuse. When insufflated, amphetamine can lead to a deterioration of the lining of the nostrils.”

Psychological effects of long-term abuse include “insomnia, mental states resembling schizophrenia, aggressiveness (not associated with schizophrenia), addiction or dependence with accompanying withdrawal symptoms, irritability, confusion, and panic. Chronic and/or extensively-continuous use can lead to amphetamine psychosis, which causes delusions and paranoia, but this is uncommon when taken as prescribed. The abuse of an amphetamine is highly addictive, and, with chronic abuse, tolerance develops very quickly. Withdrawal, although not physiologically threatening, is an unpleasant experience (including paranoia, depression, difficult breathing, dysphoria, gastric fluctuations and/or pain, and lethargia). This commonly leads chronic users to re-dose amphetamine frequently, explaining tolerance and increasing the possibility of addiction.”

Maybe they should bring these compiled check lists into court, Britney suffers from more than one of these symptoms. There’s been so many diagnoses of her mental state, all by “doctors who haven’t treated Britney”. Truthfully, she falls into many categories of mental illness but a good doctor can make the appropriate diagnosis. Especially if she ever hopes to correct those gastric fluctuations.

Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan went to court this morning with a request to change Britney Spears‘ visitation rights regarding sons Sean, 2, and Jayden, 1, because he claimed she violated her random drug testing, in that she missed 8 of 14 tests. This counts as 8 fails. She is required to be tested twice a week and she is also required to give a urine sample within 6 hours of being called. Anne Kiley, Britney’s attorney, said that Britney is virtually unreachable because she is constantly changing her cell phone number since it sometimes falls into the wrong hands. She told the judge (via TMZ), her client has received calls as early as 8:00 AM. Kiley said pop stars don’t get up that early, adding, “You are not a pop star with a number one album, so you don’t know.” The courtroom erupted in laughter.

Well, Anne, Britney is behind the Eagles, making her a number TWO popstar. And she doesn’t really seem to care, or bother promoting the album. A tour? Please.

It makes me secretly pleased that the courtroom all laughed at that ridiculous statement, but I’m disappointed the judge fell for such bullshit: [he] “is open to a more flexible timetable that works for Brit.”

Ultimately, both sides were unable to reach an agreement, so they will be back in court next Tuesday to present a complete plan to the judge. He left the visitation order the same as he ruled Oct. 26, but did make one change: “Brit must notify her lawyer immediately when she changes her cell phone number. Apparently, she changes her number as often as she changes her clothes, and he’s over it! He told her attorney that she must then immediately contact Kevin’s lawyer, and then call the drug testing facility. That’s some phone tree! The judge told her lawyer, “Basically, the testing facility needs a number they can call and get a response.”

Kiley explained to the court that just because Britney doesn’t respond to the drug tests doesn’t mean she’s using. I say 6 hours is more than enough time to get someone else’s piss. Kaplan communicated that KFed is overly concerned about the welfare of his children. I say he’s still overly concerned with Britney’s money (she is afterall, paying his legal fees–and I’m pretty sure Mark Vincent Kaplan is more “Law & Order” than “Night Court”).

And Britney’s hair looks eerily familiar…shades of Travolta in “Battlefield Earth”?

IMAGE COURTESY OF ASK MEN

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED
Ashley Olsen went as a (zombie?) Marie Antoinette to Kate Hudson’s Halloween party this past weekend. This is 1/2 of Michelle Tanner’s brilliance posing with Marc Jacobs‘ boyf Jason Preston (not sure if the Mariah tattoo was part of the costume, or just a mistake tattoo from the “Dreamlover” days?)

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED
Britney Spears went into Winston’s last night as a pirate wench (left) but emerged wearing what OK! Mag discovered was the bartender’s dress. A source said, “While waiting for a (bathroom) stall to open up, Britney turned to the bartender, who was wearing a low-cut black dress, and said, ‘You have nice tits! Mine are all saggy’!” What a way to open up a clothes swap.

IMAGE COURTESY OF A SOCIALITE’S LIFE
Fergie went as me circa 1994 (I got TWO crimpers that year)…jk, actually I don’t even know if this is her Halloween costume, it’s probably just her taking serious fashion risks.

IMAGE COURTESY OF A SOCIALITE’S LIFE
Rumer Willis walked the red carpet as a…fairy nymph with bad extensions? Rumer recently talked to PEOPLE mag about what it means to be a celeb, since according to her, and PEOPLE, she is one: “But at its heart, she says of celebrity, “Being famous isn’t going to parties … it’s about being able to use the power that we all have to kind of give back.”

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED
Pete Wentz was his broken foot for Halloween, bc that’s all he keeps talking about on his website Friends and Enemies: “for anyone who was at the voodoo fest in new orleans- you got to see me jump around. ended up breaking the bone that connects my shin to my foot. no shows will be cancelled. i am currently trying to get a “rocker” boot so i can have a walking cast. currently my foot is the size of a small car. if you see me at a show come sign my cast.” (All-lower case writing not mine, too emo and uncaring for me).
IMAGE COURTESY OF POPSUGAR
Now, for a final roundup of those in attendance at Kate Hudson’s Halloween party: you can see Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal arrived together, Dax Sheppard showed up (he and Kate had a friendly breakup or are they back together?), and Kate looks to be having a gay old time as hostess.

And, as an addendum, I’ll post more celeb Halloween get-ups tomorrow since today isn’t, um, actually Halloween.

IMAGE COURTESY OF BRITNEY.CL

Yeah, it’s yesterday’s news, and you probs could have guessed that would happen, but I was a little Britney-ed out. According to US Weekly, Britney’s had her one-night a week visitation suspended, but the reasons why remain somewhat shaky–much like her career:

“Britney Spears’ visitation rights with her children have been suspended, L.A. County Commissioner Scott Gordon has ordered.

The order on Thursday morning came a day after Kevin Federline’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, called for an hour-long, ex-parte hearing in Federline and Spears’ ongoing custody battle in Los Angeles Superior Court.

A Spears source claims the reason for the suspension of visitation is that Spears failed to be on a required conference call because her court-issued cell phone doesn’t get reliable reception at her Malibu home. The source tells Us that while Spears has a land line, the court “refused to call it.”

But a source close to Federline counters: “Blaming the cell phone is ridiculous. The judge called her in last Thursday specifically to spell out what she needed to do to see her kids, and she didn’t follow the rules outlined. The judge could not have been more clear. I can only imagine that there are numerous ways to reach Britney – including a land line.”

Not to be all Jerry Seinfeld, but what’s with everyone strictly using cell phones nowadays?! I mean, I know the Comcast trifecta is expensive enough, but it seems like an easy out: Oh, I wasn’t getting reception, all I have is a cell phone. Or: I had my cell phone off and didn’t get your message. Britney needs to stop making excuses, period.

–>As of this afternoon, Britney Spears has lost full custody of her two sons effective Wed 10/03. For more minute-by-minute coverage, visit TMZ: “L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order today, stating that Kevin Federline, the boys’ father, “is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court.” Talk about outta left field…
IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

–>Were they simply passing by one another in the same exotic locale, or were they sharing Mai Tais n’ more? According to multiple gossip sites (Celebitchy, Egotastic, Yeeah), Orlando Bloom and Jennifer Aniston were on vacay in Mexico this past weekend, and it couldn’t be a weirder celeb combo if Bea Arthur went to Cabo with Brody Jenner.
IMAGE COURTESY OF EGOTASTIC

–>A reformed Michael Lohan will travel to Utah tonight to pick up recovering daughter Lindsay from Cirque Lodge for a five-day visit in an undisclosed location. White Oprah (aka Dina Lohan) alerts People mag via email, saying, “Blah blah healing, blah blah making amends, blah blah doing fantastic.” Alright, really she said, “‘It can only help her recovery. It’s time to mend. He is visiting Lindsay alone because we are giving her dad a chance to make amends.” What it’s time for is no mesh shirts. Weirdo! I don’t care if he’s an internet minister now, he’s a creep! And Lindsay’s his meal ticket! Of course he’s trying to make amends, he’s got a rap sheet as long as George Burns‘ career. Sidenote: is there already a Lohan Family Dynasty E! True Hollywood Story? I’ve seen the Simpson Family one, but they’re no dynasty, and the Lohan fam drama is way juicier than nose jobs and failed reality show marriages.
IMAGE COURTESY OF OH NO THEY DIDN’T!

On Sunday, Britney Spears drove two sons Sean Preston and Jayden James to Tony’s Taverna in Malibu for dinner, and of course, the paparazzi make it a bit difficult for her to enter and exit the restaurant. Also, they take plenty of creepy through-the-windshield-shots of a none-to-happy SPF.

Come Monday, ex-husband Kevin Federline’s lawyer was running to the judge to snitch her out, because Britney doesn’t even have a valid California license! From TMZ:

“A TMZ records check reveals the popwreck does not have a valid California driver’s license. She has applied for one, but it’s still in the pending file.

And get this: Spears has never had a California license for all the years she’s lived in L.A.!

A DMV official told TMZ, “At this point, Britney Spears does not have a valid California driver’s license. She has an application pending that she never completed.”

To top off all the times Britney’s been photographed driving with what turns out, no license (years upon years of her residing in LA), she has a hit-and-run charge against her stemming from an Aug 6 incident in a Studio City, CA parking lot. And remember, driving on a suspended license is exactly what sent Paris Hilton to jail, and Britney has pantyless passion for emulating Paris. This story is still developing, but I’ll try to remain Brit-free for the rest of the day, *fingers crossed.*

Sometimes Hollywood timing is impeccable. Early this morning, Kiefer Sutherland was pulled over for making an illegal U-turn and -surprise!- blew twice the legal limit. Coincidentally, TMZ reports that the Alliance of Canadian Cinema, Television and Radio Artists (ACTRA) has announced that they are honoring Sutherland today for his “commitment to Canada and Canadian performers” but suspiciously (but understandably), the event will be closed to the press. Since this is the Keif’s second DUI, he could face a minimum of five days in jail if convicted. But like most court cases, he’s got a couple of weeks to think about what he’s done (said in stern Mom voice) until he has to appear October 16.
IMAGE COURTESY OF TMZ.COM

Sharon Osbourne recently claimed that Courtney Love was the one who introduced her son Jack to OxyContin when he was still a teenager (Jack was treated for addiction in 2003), but Courtney says, “I never did that. I would never give drugs to a teenager. Fuck you Sharon – as if I would ever give drugs to a teenager.” From DListed: “She also insists she never even heard of OxyContin before she met Jack. So basically Court is saying Jack introduced that shit to her!” Uh, I don’t know if I believe that COURTNEY LOVE who DID HEROIN WHILE PREGNANT with Kurt Cobain’s baby (now the pleasantly normal Frances Bean) had never heard of Oxy. Even Matthew Perry has.

Classy ladies Sienna Miller and Kate Moss got drunk at a wedding this weekend and into a catfight. Kate accused Sienna of stealing her style, but sources say it was jealousy over Sienna’s fuck-buddy, Brit actor Rhys Ifans, who is close friends with Kate. Sienna says that Rhys just crashes on her couch, but Kate’s having none of that. Did anyone else feel like I just rehashed junior year homecoming?

I’ve kinda had it with Brit news, so if you want incredibly juicy details of her bizarro lifestyle and repeated screw-ups, check out MSN’s Hot Gossip article, which covers nearly everything former bodyguard and secret witness Tony Barretto has dished to a multitude of news sources, including the “Today” show and the Daily News.

Things just keep going from bad to worse to worser for Britney Spears, and I’m not even referring to her weirdly-colored weave. E! News reported over the weekend that she is now being charged with two misdemeanor counts, a hit-and-run causing property damage and driving without a valid California drivers license, stemming from an August 6 accident in the parking lot of a vitamin store in Studio City, California. Spears clipped the right bumper of Kim Robard-Rifkin’s Mercedes pulling in to a spot, and with a paparazzi circle around her own Mercedes, the incident was caught (excruciatingly) on film.

Robard-Rifkin initially told reporters she hoped Spears would do the right thing and take responsibility for her actions. But we know Britney better than that. This is, after all, the girl who entered an intensive rehab facility only to leave less than 24 hours later, claiming her parents and manager forced her into rehab against her wishes. Checkmate in the Blame Game.

But alas, Spears did nothing but comically raise her hand to her mouth in an “Oops, I Did it Again” face, and Robard-Rifkin filed a police report August 9. “It was simply like my car didn’t matter to her, my inconvenience didn’t matter to her,” Robard-Rifkin told CelebTV.com at the time.

To sort through all the Britney goings-on, and to see how progressively worse things have gotten for the pop singer, I’ve compiled a timeline of last week’s events:

–>Monday 9/17: The hearing for Britney and KFed’s custody battle, in which lawyer Gloria Allred revealed her secret witness, former Britney bodyguard Tony Barretto, who alleged drug use, nudity, and neglect on the part of the children. Not so good for Britney. She is also dropped by her manager Jeff Kwatinetz, of the Firm in L.A. today (quotes US Weekly: “Current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job,” he said) as well as her lawyer, Laura Wasser. Monday Funday!

–>Tuesday 9/18: The judge ordered Spears to, among other things, submit to random drug testing twice a week and undergo parental counseling—both individually and in joint sessions with Federline—if she wants to maintain the joint custody arrangement (a generous 50/50 split for Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1). Britney later goes out partying that evening to a few LA hotspots. Also not the smartest move if she cares at all about maintaining custody of her kids.

–>Wednesday 9/19 and Thursday 9/20: Spears goes out into the wee hours of morning both nights, against the orders of the judge on her custody case.

–>Friday 9/21: Spears is charged with two misdemeanors and photographed tearfully leaving Sorrell Trope’s office, her recently acquired attorney, after a consultation. On a positive note, Brit makes the cover of US Weekly yet again. On a negative note, it’s for being an irresponsible mother (probs the 18th time this year they’ve reported on that topic).

Honestly, I held off on reporting this story because I’m nearly at a loss as to what to say about Britney anymore. Yes, she has problems, lots of them (understatement). Yes, she isn’t the best 25-year-old mom I know (understatement). Yes, she was lifeless and droopy at the VMAs (understatement). She is reminding me of the Maurice Sendak story “I’m Pierre, I Don’t Care”, about the boy who didn’t care so much he was eaten by a lion (Hollywood metaphors abound!). And I just don’t get people who don’t care; about themselves, about others, about the state of the world. So I guess I just have to leave it at that: I don’t get Britney Spears.

When reading TMZ’s minute-by-minute updates of the ongoing custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, I often set my own soundtrack to the headlines, usually filled with 5-year-old catchphrases from the CW network, i.e. oh no he din’n (spelling questionable, pronunciation implied), aw snap, treated! and the like. But the more details that emerge, the sicker my stomach feels.

First there were the reports that Brit used to fill Sean Preston and Jayden James’ bottles with pop and coffee with milk, then tried whitening their teeth, but you know, that’s US Weekly and Star speculation from “inside sources.”

But now we have a secret witness take the stand–revealed today as Tony Barretto, a former bodyguard of Britney’s from a brief period in April and May of 2007–who alleges “nudity, drug use and safety issues post-rehab.” According to TMZ,

“Gloria Allred, Barretto’s attorney, said in a press conference today that Brit’s former hired muscle was prepared to testify under oath today, but that neither the court nor Britney’s attorneys chose to cross-examine him. She said his declaration went “unrefuted and unchallenged.”

To complicate matters, Britney’s attorney, Laura Wasser, who hammered out the unbelievable 50/50 custody agreement, submitted legal papers this morning to the judge, asking to be formally removed from the case. Britney is now represented by high-profile attorney Marci Levine and celebrity attorney Mel Goldsman. This on the heels of a report by the Sun that she has been banned from celeb hotspot, the Chateau Marmont, for bizarre behavior that includes um, smearing food all over her face in the hotel’s restaurant?

From A Socialite’s Life:

“She constantly looked out of it when she came in and the guests began to make noises. The hotel acted before she made a huge scene. No one wants to be banned from staying at the Chateau.

“If she was trying to make a real go of her comeback then the people who visit the Chateau are the ones who could make it happen.”

It seems that, as of late, 90% of Britney stories include the star “looking out of it.” I would have taken that info with a grain of salt had I not watched the MTV VMAs two weeks ago…her vacant stare and lifeless performance made me *kind of* believe those urban legends about the suckers she always has in paparazzi photos containing more than sugar. I can only wonder (if and when she does show up to these custody hearings) a. what she wears; b. how she acts; and c. if she even cares.

KFed is looking for a 70/30 agreement, which considering the stories that have emerged about the care she takes of her children (i.e. drinking in front of them, going out constantly and leaving them in the care of a revolving door of nannies–which may be a somewhat of a good thing, but then there’s reports that she looks for cool, hip nannies who will be her friend, not primarily her children’s caretaker) sounds tremendously fair, but with the addition of this secret witness, Tony Barretto, and the fact that attorneys on either side did not refute his claims, Brit’s all-but-nonexistent-case may have disappeared .

IMAGE COURTESY OF TMZ.COM

Normally we love to mock and poke fun, but today, with news that Britney Spears allegedly attempted to commit suicide during her stay at the Promise Clinic we offer nothing but the thoughts for her to get mentally better. Though we’re no experts on A) having a baby and B) postpartum depression we suspect that the pop star may be suffering from it. Most of her antics have occurred since the birth of her second child, which was conceived shortly after her first. And if the sources are to be believed from this report, them it seems Britney wants to have another child sooner rather than later. Let’s hope she gets the help she needs.

To wit: A source at the clinic also revealed to the paper that Britney had realised what a ‘rock’ her estranged hubby was, and that she not only wanted them to get back together, but also to have another baby. “She just wants to be with him again,” the source said.

It’s unfortunate this has to play out in a very public forum for her. Cheers to Craig Ferguson for recognizing this a lot sooner than many of us did.