“We understand that you refuse to release this frustrated whale because he is your chief sperm bank, and we know from SeaWorld’s own director of safety (as well as videos on the web) that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water. Even during my wildest days with Motley Crue, I never could’ve imagined something so sick and twisted. Simply put, how can SeaWorld claim that trainers no longer have direct contact with this whale when they are jacking him off? That is about as ‘direct’ as it gets. I hope it doesn’t take another tragic death for SeaWorld to realize it shouldn’t frustrate these smart animals by keeping them in tanks.” — Tommy Lee, yes the drummer from Motley Crue, calling out SeaWorld for their whale masturbation methods.
For the record, SeaWorld denies the use of cow vaginas in the collection of whale sperm. For the record two times: the world needs more celebrity-animal masturbation feuds.