Happy Birthday America, here’s to butt rockets

Just remember when you’re tea-bagging the world this weekend with hamburgers and Bud Lights, America once tea-bagged King George III because the founding fathers resented paying taxes on stamps and stuff and they were mad as hell and couldn’t take it anymore; take a moment to reflect that many a good person died in this country so that we could shoot Chinese fireworks from our butts after borrowing lots of money from their government because we are awesome America and we deserve to tea bag whatever it is that deserves to be tea-bagged.

Just sayin’ that despite a lot of bad things and misgivings we’ve had over the years, there isn’t much I would change about you America.  You’re aging nicely at 233 years.  Must be the butt rockets.

And if you’re the type of person that likes to get drunk and fire bottle rockets from your butt please be safe.  Put a buffer zone around the junk or make sure your Bud Light is easily accessible to put out any flames.

Change we can believe in:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

And for those who forget what it is that makes this country great, there is a poem by Emma Lazarus, inscribed inside the pedestal of a certain Lady Liberty, standing at the Gateway to this country in New York, in which she implores:

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Happy Birthday America — a land of open arms for those who seek refuge from their troubled homes, a country created not for a religion or race but for a set of ideals that some tend to take for granted or outright ignore, and a place where adolescent men can shoot fireworks from their butts.

We’ll be back on Monday morning, if not sooner to check in. Enjoy the weekend everyone.

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