$129 Worth of Porn

Oh, Florida.? Seems like the craziest of crazy news emanates from that humidity-drenched hellhole.? Let us briefly count the ways:

1) Mother cages 17-year-old son, gets 20 years in prison.

2) Middle school teacher enslaves Haitian girl.

3) Jack Thompson is from there.

And now, a 14-year-old boy was handed over to juvenile police officers for breaking into a Central Florida home and ordering $129 worth of porno movies on the family’s TV.

The Channel 6 article is a delightful romp in the garden of sin.? My favorite bleached quote:

Palm Bay police said the family had just returned from shopping when the boy was found watching television.

Yes, he was “watching television.”? He order $129 worth of porn to “watch.”? No, Channel 6, Little Jimmy was feverishly masturbating on the family’s couch, shedding a tear or two for his lost soul and hopeless, pathetic future.

The case of Little Jimmy leaves many unanswered questions.? Let us briefly explore these questions:

1) What kind of porn was he watching?? Gay?? Straight?? Bestiality?

2) How has he evaded the knowledge that the Internet features billions of websites devoted to free porn?

3) How much porn does $129 buy?

4) How did Little Jimmy expect to watch $129 worth of porn in one sitting?

5) Did he have lube?

Because he’s a minor, these questions may never be answered and we, as a nation, may never achieve spiritual peace.? Alas.

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