D.J. Caruso’s Career Intervention

D.J. Caruso needs a career intervention. Maybe a friend, or lover, or maybe his proud parents should pull him aside sit him down and whisper in his ear. Psst! Remember The Salton Sea?

It was your debut movie, after years toiling as a director on television. Val Kilmer, Adam Goldberg, Vincent D’Onofrio and Luis Guzman all hopped on board for the crazy meth ride about a trumpet player who may be a drug addict or he may be an undercover cop. It was released in 2002. It had a heart, it had substance, it had style brother. It showed the same promise as another head bender that came out only two years earlier.

Have you heard of Chris Nolan and his little movie Memento? Well Nolan has more than fullfilled his promise. But you? We’re still waiting. Especially after laying the double duece of Taking Lives (though we appreciate the gratuitious Angie Jolie booby shots), and Two For the Money. And especially after laying the ginormous Fat Elvis sized turd commonly referred to as Disturbia. Just because you work with the studios doesn’t mean you have to punk out. Look a C-Nolan, dude’s kept his style flowing.

Disturbia, hits theatres on April 13, but we caught a sneak peek almost two weeks ago at the Fenway Regal in Boston. It stars Shia LaBeouf, David Morse, Carrie-Anne Moss and retardedly hot newcomer Sarah Roemer. But though you’ve got a great cast and thankfully they rescue your movie from being complete drek, your latest movie is either A) a remake of Hitchcock’s Rear Window or B) a teeny bopper ripoff of Hitchcock’s classic. Either way, brother, you’ve directed some great television for FX why are you bothering with teeny bopper drek?

There’s not much of a plot. LaBeouf (who thanks to this summer’s Transformers won’t have to worry about his career taking a hit) stars as high schooler Kale. After his father dies in a car crash he begins acting up and gets put under house arrest. To prevent boredom he speis on his neighbors, becoming suspicious of the uber creepy David Morse. Kale suspects David Morse is killing women and stuffing them in the walls of his house.

So what’s Kale do? Well he enlists his googy Asian friend and super hottie from next door. Oh did we mention that super hottie is new to the small time life after years of fast city living? Yup the screenwriters were sure not to forget that cliche. Shenanigans ensue and they build to an unsurprising climax and the only real suspense comes when aliens try to vaporize Kale with their laser guns and zombie David Morse returns to munch Trinity’s brains out. Except Neo and Morpheus download into the system and kick some kung-fu ass before Shia LaBeouf figures out the plot.

Just making sure you’re still reading. The entire movie I was trying to figure out how old Sarah Roemer is because she’s hot and I didn’t want to feel like a pervy young man. I was hoping she’d show her boobies but this isn’t that kind of movie. By the by, that’s her to the left. If you couldn’t figure it out.

Disturbia could have benefitted from Roemer’s titties, since the only thing keeping this movie from being craptastic is the ultra-likeable LaBeouf. I guess Disney let him take a break from filming his television show Even Stevens to do this movie. Just kidding, I know he’s not on the show anymore. But the kid has an easy charm to him, he’s probably got a big future ahead of him.

Somewhere there’s another promising movie from Mr. Caruso, but this one isn’t it. We’re just hoping he’ll be allowed to make another one. This one is perfect to watch on a rainy Saturday where there’s nothing else on and FX/TBS/TNT/USA are having one of those suspense marathons. One of those days when you’ve got laundery to do and vacuuming and you only half want to pay attention to the television.

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