http://slyoyster.com

We exited the tent through an unbuttoned gateway that lead to the backyard and headed towards the trampoline. There we saw about five real Bunnies or rabbits playing on the lawn. Stacie said, “Wow do you think they live here.” I was quick to remind her we were at the Playboy Mansion. She soon got the bunny reference. I took a couple of jumps trampoline. Neil did some crazy Asian acrobatics. Like some real Cirque du Soleil shit.

We weaved our ways through the gardens and down cobble stone paths. When we reached the great rolling front lawn we took more pictures and walked down the driveway. Stacie and I were alone as we crossed over Hugh’s Star of Fame implanted in the cement. We were all getting horny. I thought of my girlfriend and tried not act on my impulses.

We stumbled upon what appeared to be a shed. I reached for the handle and it opened into the most amazing game room ever. It was like when Dorothy opens the door to munchkin land. A billiard table was neatly racked in front of us. There were classic video games everywhere. I played Donkey Kong, Centipede, Pack Man and all the playboy pinball games. Jon turned on the glowing jute box and swung with Scottie to ragtime. It must be the pinnicle of pop culture and fame to get your own pinball game. Jon put on some ragtime music from the jukebox. I found two rooms attached. One was an old fashioned red room with a bed. The other was the infamous mattress room. No one sleeps here. There are plenty of guest rooms in the main house. This was here for one reason.

Stacie followed me in. The floor was a one big mattress. Mirrors covered all four walls and the ceiling. I wanted her so badly. I needed to see how those mirrors worked and wanted to rip her clothes off. Then she said, “I really want to make out with someone. Too bad you have a girlfriend.” It wasn’t said in a teasing tone but one that actually meant, I wish you didn’t have someone we would be hurting by doing this. Stacie is a sweet girl and I wished I had never told her about my girlfriend while we were chatting at work. I lay on the cushioned floor and moaned in the agony of my relationship. No dice, I couldn’t ever cheat on my girlfriend, whom I love and respect. I wasn’t going to toss away a fantastic year-and-a-half just to shit where I eat.

When we returned to the festivities outside, it had become what we had imagined. We found Neil near the bar showing off his dance moves for his new friend 3, 6 Mafia. Neil spun so fast that his camera and cell phone went flying. 3, 6 flashed a platinum grilled grin. Access Hollywood cameras and stars were everywhere. Ryan Seacrest snapped pictures with Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell. Being the dedicated “Idol” viewer I am, I was a little star struck. I decided to figure out a way to meet Simon and his awesome flattop. He began walking towards me.

We were standing at the entrance to the bathrooms. The little man was about to pass me in his signature Armani thermal shirt. I instantly stuck my hand out; he stopped, shook it and politely waited for me to say something. I was totally speechless. There was nothing prepared. I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “Have a great time tonight.” He smiled, nodded and continued into the restroom. I was embarrassed but happy to have met him.

It was so insane at the mansion that it didn’t even dawn on me that The Hef was nowhere to be seen. I looked up onto the center of the patio and noticed for the first time that Hugh Hefner had made an appearance. He sat at a horse shoed bench area while his girlfriends danced around him. Hugh was roped off and guarded, not just as the host of the party but, more like the pope. His presence was papalesque. He sat there in his smoking jacket, bobbing to the music while the “Girls Next Door” grinded on him. I felt so lucky to be there before he died. Maybe it’s wrong to say that but it’s true the place won’t be the same once he is gone. This man has honestly led the greatest life of any man ever except for Jesus. Well maybe even including Jesus.

I’m sure once he is gone the Playboy Company, the lifestyle he created, and the legend will live on as long as Christianity itself.

I hate to admit but at this late hour and once the shock wore off it became an average party. An amazing party but with no nudity, sex or debauchery. That is expect for hanging out with B Celebs like Joey Fatone, John Scarborough, Bow Bice, Chelsea Handler, and the guy who paints the future in Heroes. A normal party but an off the hook party nonetheless.

I got wasted. We stayed until they shuffled everyone out. I kept an eye out of Scott Biao but there were no sighting. There were plenty of hot women, but like a good boy I slid into bed with my girlfriend. My resolve was tested to the limits. I guess I love her more than I thought or maybe it was sensory overload that kept me for having the game to cheat. Scratch that, no game is neceassy at the place. Sex is in the air. It’s what you do there. It just happens. I couldn’t fault her if she went to the beach and came back with a tan. I covered my body in SPF 85 for her. She hasn’t yet thanked me for not cheating but she should.

At 27 my life has peaked. The Red Sox won the World Series and I’ve walked the hallowed grounds of Hef’s paradise. Just kidding, things are clearly on the up and up. Check it - me and Sarah Jean Underwood. Ms. Playmate of the Year 2007.

Read Part 1 and Part 2!