A Night at the Mansion: Part 1

I have been working as an assistant at Go Go Luckey Production for three weeks. My arrival coincided with the premier of ?Paradise City?. Super tanned Seacrest is the Executive Producer (by title only) for the ?Laguna Beach? type of show set in Vegas. His production company united with Go Go Luckey for the project. The show airs after ?Girls Next Door,? which is the reality show staring Hugh Hefner?s girlfriends. Thus, I have Ryan Seacrest to thank for getting me into the party at The Playboy Mansion. In fact I?m texting votes for Sanjaya as I write this.

Fortunately, one of my jobs as an assistant is coordinating schedules, invitations and travel. Done deal. I was getting myself on the list but I didn?t really want to go solo. It would have seemed fairly creepy to my new bosses if I showed up alone, standing in the corner, gawking at women. Yes, there was lots of gawking. Lots of slacked jaws and maybe a slight dribble of drool.

So I took it upon myself to invite a few people from the office. Stacie, the cute girl I replaced, Scottie the hard working female office manger, Jon the editor from the sticks of New England, and Neil the Asian P.A. who had only been in LA for a month. We told no one in the office our secret. I knew they would rat on us or launch a vendetta against us. We figured that once we got in, nobody would really care or notice? It?s a big enough place; I could disappear, hopefully with a bunny or two.

Parties like these are reserved for JT and Ashton not Scott and Neil. I just waited for the tires to pop or the Playboy officers to ask me to leave the bus. As we got closer I started talking to the guy next to me who happened to be the Ex-Mr. Christina Applegate, Jonathan Schaech (Best know for is role in 2006? Road House 2 [editors note: which if you?ve never seen it?s not nearly worthy of the original, especially since there are no lines as memorable as ?I used to fuck guys like you in prison.? Classic. Turn on late night cable you can probably catch the Patrick Swayze original]).

He told me about all the nasty things he had seen there and secret spots of debauchery that can be found. I listened carefully to the advice of this fortunate veteran. I asked if we could meet The Hef. ?He has two layers of protection, the guards and his harem of women,? he assured me. ?And don?t be fooled they are his girlfriends. They won?t even talk to other guys.? I told him how surreal it was having just moved to LA and only chose to try this business out a year ago and here I was.

Would it be Caligula-levels of debauchery? Naked Bunnies splashing in the pool, people having sex wherever they felt like it? Free drugs or booze? Would Johnny Drama finally get in? And would Paulie Shore let the monkeys out of the cages? Would we each be greeted by fellatio? They let us off and we waited to be ushered into a line like we were getting on a ride at Disneyland.


We first saw a red carpet crowded with paparazzi on one side and a wall backed with, ?Girl?s Next Door, Paradise City? and E?s logo behind it. We looked for stars and noticed it was us. That’s me on the left! This was the entrance into the party. I walked down the line expecting to get my picture taken. Maybe I would be mistaken for some shlub of a star, but then I realized that Ex-Mr. Applegate is like a fucking D-list star, so that would make me like? not even on the alphabet. I?m probably somewhere in the Greek alphabet list.

The walls, lined with white roses, smelled like the inside of a flower shop. It opened to the patio under a giant tent which covered the whole area and half the pool. I followed Neil down three steps, lined with bunnies on each side. I was surprised to see that the girls actually wore the silky blue bunny costumes with the little puffy tails and bow ties. They greeted me ?Good evening.? How classy?

?What an entrance,? said Jon. He was right, in what could be the understatement of the year. I’ll be back tomorrow with Part 2. Stay tuned for more pictures.

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