That’s right, because I’m Chicago-partial, I mistakenly assumed that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel (and James Van Beek) were tailgating in the parking lot of Soldier Field, not Green Bay’s Lambeau Field, where the Packers-Bears game was actually held. So, sorry for my erroneous reporting.

But they moved from tailgaiting in the parking lot to high-class sideline spots to watch the game…and as much as I loved seeing JT shotgun that Miller Lite, this is, in paparazzi terms, “the money shot.” Actually, those may not be paparazzi terms, but it seems like it fits in context.

From Bricks & Stones:

“Jessica Biel has been left red-faced after the publication of a photograph posted on TMZ showing a girlfriend grabbing her bottom while boyfriend Justin Timberlake?s back was turned.

Biel and Timberlake were at the Lambeau Field stadium in Green Bay, Wisconsin on October 7th, an hour before American football team the Green Bay Packers took on the Chicago Bears. And while pop superstar Timberlake was facing the opposite direction, the couple?s female friend copped a feel of Biel?s behind - and a picture of the moment has been published in Star Magazine.

An onlooker tells the publication, ?It looked like the friend reached over and squeezed Jessica?s butt while Justin was looking out at the field. ?Jessica didn?t even flinch - but when Justin suddenly turned around, Jessica?s friend pulled her hand away.?

I look at that photo and try not to pass judgment–after all, women frequently hold hands and men pat each other on the butt–but all can think is: look at the lats on those girls!

IMAGE COURTESY OF NATIONAL ENQUIRER

I posted yesterday about Bree Tierney, the scorned woman behind Lindsay Lohan’s new love, snowboarder/rehabber Riley Giles. New developments, she has (according to The National Enquirer) / hasn’t (according to Bree herself) given an interview about her former fiancee’s involvement with The Vulture. Via Dlisted, here are some excerpts. Bree first met Lindsay at a patients’ meeting at the Cirque Lodge, where both Riley and Lindsay were being treated for addiction (why Bree was allowed to attend is questionable, unless it was a family meet-n-greet):

“She came into the meeting with Riley, and she comes over and sits next to me, being overly nice. She was complimenting me on my hair and trying to be my friend. It didn’t seem sincere at all.

“A few days later, I get a text message from Riley telling me he wanted to ‘take a break.’ I knew instantly it was because of Lindsay.”

Riley and Bree were together for three years, and planning on getting married (but it depends whom you talk to; Riley is denying there was an engagement while Bree actually has the cheap cubic zirconia ring he gave her!). Until Lindsay entered the picture.

“But when he finally confessed to me that he had sex with Lindsay in one of the stairwells at Cirque ? that was it, we were done. Lindsay has no morals and needs some serious help ? besides drug rehab ? for all her other problems.”

News for you: so does your ex-fiancee.

IMAGE COURTESY OF TMZ (Riley’s mugshot for writing a forged prescription)

But not they’ve taken to their MySpace pages, a la Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler during one of their many divorce/reconciliation periods, and Crazy Days and Nights has the entire exchange, supposedly leaked by one of Riley’s “friends.” Warning: if you’re a word nerd, please take this time to heavily sigh and light a candle honoring the passing of appropriate grammar in speech and writing, and batten down the hatches for the advent of text-speak, atrocious spelling, and frequent abbrevs.

From: Riley
Date: 17/10/2007

naah i went fuckin physco yesterday, they took all my shit away from me! OVER YOU!why are u runnin to the tabloids with these fake stories? wtf, whats going on? u & ur moms talkin to everyone! i shouldnt have to defend myself to everyone, and linds is not a homewrecker & u know that!

From: breezkie
Date: Oct 17, 2007 10:42 PM

thats fine way over it as well, one question why u denying the engagement and why did you come talk to mt and say u wanted me back, then go w her. i loved ur family they were the only normal people i could call my family that ive ever had in my life, i had you and i thought things were gonaa get better after we drove around and talked but no she got yah all smittened and star struck, so yah she is a home wrecker and ull find out who really cared for ou in the long run! Ue kidding urself ri! good riidannce and one word karma. yah and its not fair that i gotta wear a beanie hoodie and sunglasses in order to go outta the house. its one thing to go thru a break up but its another thing to have it spread in ur face every where! and people chasing me down wanting info. taking pictures ts crazy and sux. what do you mean they took all ur shit away?

From: Riley
Date: 17/10/2007

peoples chasin you down? you serious? nobody knew about u until u ran to the media! our engagement was NEVER official, just somethin we talked about, idk wut to do im just so mad over this whole situation, was that you spreadin my mugshot all ovea the internet as well? REALLY low. u WERE my rock. i thought things were gonna change but u had to go and ruin it, im not starstruck by anyomne, you just dont get it AT all. karam DOES suck, i just dont get why your talkin to everyone, its no ones business but OURS. we needa have a chat, SERIOUSLY 1 on 1, god knows who ur gonna sell this fuckin message to

From: breezkie
Date: Oct 17, 2007 11:02 PM

i didnt run my mouth they found me! they knew about nicole and everything i dont know how theyed get her name. our names are repoted as our last address and they knew who i was so they came to me to find me like 5 diff mags i have a lawyer now cause of all this shit theyre attackin me holmes. i agree we need to have a 1 on 1 talk, yah know some closure r whatever. it can be totally private i wont let any one know. same would have to go for you though! You down?

From: Riley
Date: 17/10/2007

please, please…. u have no fucking idea of wut im going threw right now, never felt like this EVER….!!! 1on1, im so down…. idk how we gonna do this, theres peoples outside right now waitin for me to peek out tha window, its fuckin crazy.. i wish i could call you,how much u gettin for these interviews?

From: breezkie
Date: Oct 17, 2007 11:09 PM
call me

From: Riley
Date: 17/10/2007
i CANT bitch

From: breezkie
Date: Oct 17, 2007 11:22 PM

you jus said u wish u could why cant you? well if u decide to call and i dnt answer leave a message. ur num still the same? u dnt know how crazy my life is. poparrazzi wtf i never expected that one comin, me runnin from pop and radio stations want to have me on air. one guy even said he wanted to do a reality show i was like hell no man wtf? these people are scavangers!

From: Riley
Date: 17/10/2007

you fuckin love it. they wouldnt want more, if u wouldnt have opened ur mouth@!how much did u make off the interviews?

This is voyeurism at its extreme, but I posted this more as a tribute to the abomination of grammar/speech in the tween, teen, and twenty-something generations. Strunk & White must be rolling in their graves. Now I am certainly one for abbrevs and acronyms, but I know when to draw the line. I feel like some people actually think their thoughts in “LOL/KIT/ROFL/LMAO/IDK speak. And I can’t read “idk” without thinking of that phone commercial where the mom asks the grandma who she was talking/texting, and she responds, “IDK. My BFF, Rose.”

After another relapse, David Hasselhoff “was in Cedars Sinai Medical center in LA starting October 8 for detox, and was speculated to have fallen off the wagon due to the stress from filming in Romania for a few weeks without his daughters,” reported Celebitchy.

Here he is a week later, out in LA last night at the Dina Bar-El fashion show, mingling with “celebs” like Brandy (his former co-host on “America’s Got Talent”) and Steve-O (what did they talk about? That they both have brownish hair?), while looking much healthier than the “shaky and frail” Hoff that arrived in Cedars Sinai on Oct. 8.

In a related aside, how did that video of a drunken Hoff eating/gnawing a hamburger get leaked? His daughter filmed it, saying she wanted him to know what he was like when he was drunk; would she release it to the media as well? If Chicken of the Sea nabbed Jessica Simpson for ad spots, Wendy’s late-night 99 cent menu should have recruited the Hoff. He seems like he doesn’t take himself very seriously and would gladly poke fun at his image, but that’s like advertising to all the people drunk at 2am: Hey! Come on over to Wendy’s for a JBC! I think small all-night diners thrive on drunk or fucked up patrons for much of their business. Not to say they’re the most fun people to wait on, but they’re usually hun-gry.

From one Lyons Township grad to another, I sincerely hope the Hoff can kick alcoholism this time around. (Hasselhoff went to my high school, and is even in the Hall of Fame for his powerful work on “Knight Rider” and “Baywatch.”)

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

Let’s say you’re engaged. You may have a little wedding planning scrapbook put together, maybe you know your bridesmaids will wear burnt orange. But you hit a little speedbump: your fiancee is an addict and needs to go to rehab. So you write him letters in rehab, maybe send him some apple muffins and a few snowboarding magazines. And you go about your daily life, waiting for him to graduate the program. Until you’re shopping one day, perusing the gossip rags in the checkout aisle, and you see your fiancee…in a glossy photo…with Lindsay Lohan…holding hands…under a banner headline that reads, “Lindsay’s New Love!” This is the (exaggerated) story of Bree Tierney.

From the NY Daily News:

“Apparently, having a fianc?e isn?t an impediment to dating Lindsay Lohan.

Pals say the recovering actress is smitten with her new beau, 25-year-old snowboarder Riley Giles. But so was the girl he was engaged to!

And poor Bree Tierney of Murray, Utah, found out he?d moved on from the tabloids.

?Riley just stopped calling Bree and never told her about Lindsay,? her mom, Tess, told Us Weekly. ?She found out by seeing photos. It destroyed her.?

So this is strike two for Lindsay choosing men who are already involved, married, or engaged. At least, the stories that have been made public; there could be thousands! And isn’t one of guidelines at rehab that you don’t get involved with fellow patients, as it could impede your recovery? But then again, if she failed multiple drug tests while in rehab, she doesn’t seem to be taking the rules very seriously. Lindsay is a vulture! Poor Bree, but she really dodged a bullet with this guy.

IMAGE COURTESY OF WENN

In other Lindsay news, she’s back in LA after declaring she’d move permanently to Utah, but typically, she went shopping on Robertson Blvd, then to dance rehearsal for “Dare to Love Me”, the tango movie she’s working on. That should be the title of her memoir, should she ever make it to 30 and hire a ghostwriter.

Also, she’s counter-suing the driver of the van that hit her back in 2005. From Celebitchy: “Lohan slammed into Raymundo Ortega on October 4, 2005 after leaving the Ivy. Ortega filed a negligence suit on June 14, 2007 against Lohan and the Ivy (who he says served her alcohol even though she was underage) for at least $200,000. The Los Angeles County Sheriff?s Department?s report on the incident says that alcohol was not a factor in the crash and that Ortega was the one at fault for making an illegal U-turn right in front of Lohan. In the report, Lohan was referred to as an ?innocent victim.? But Ortega has recently sued Lohan, pretty much using the argument ?Once a drunk, always a drunk.?

E! reports that Lindsay is asking for a reasonble amount in her counter suit, compared to the busboy’s demands of 200 grand: “The 21-year-old is seeking $75,000 from the busboy, considerably less than the $200,000 he?s asking for in his suit, claiming he was ?negligent in the ownership, operation, repairs and maintenance? of his van. The damages she?s seeking account for the cost of the repairs to her car, a black Mercedes-Benz SL-65, funds for renting other vehicles and cash to cover her hospital bill. Following the accident, which took place Oct. 5, 2005, on the celeb-habituated shopping enclave of Robertson Boulevard, Lohan complained of leg and back pain and was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.?

Considering she publicly ruined two relationships and continues to suffer legal woes, I’d say she’s doing great clean and sober–she hasn’t hit one club. Yet.

Now I know I’ve referenced hair extensions in two separate posts already, so to avoid making my Natalie Portman mention feel so singular, I’ve decided to post again on Natalie Portman…who apparently has a dirty mouth. And not a Sally Field-political-rant-that-must-be-bleeped, but an honest-to-goodness cuss word. Not your dad’s fav “bullshit” or your mom’s fav “motherfucker” but the Holy Grail of Inappropriateness: cunt! And to make matters worse, it was during a speech in tribute to Julia Roberts‘ cinematic contributions!

From Bricks & Stones:

“There?s one incident from the Cinematheque tribute to Julia Roberts that you WON?T see when the show airs on AMC in December. Julia became quite friendly with Natalie Portman when they filmed “Closer” in 2004 and Natalie was one of the people to pay homage to her.

Onstage, Natalie recalled that after their movie wrapped, she sent Julia a necklace that spelled out the word C**T (because they?d used so many ?dirty words? in the movie). Only she USED The C Word. (The charity gala audience was thoroughly shocked.) With a chuckle, Natalie went on to say that Julia, in turn, sent HER a necklace that said ?LITTLE C?T.? Again the crowd was aghast at the language.

Natalie finished up with ?By the way, since I?ll surely be bleeped - I was referring to an intimate part of the female anatomy.? We?re guessing Natalie?s whole appearance might be edited out.”

I’m sure many a monacle broke in the audience.

IMAGE COURTESY OF TMZ

…is a sentence that never ends well. Let me re-phrase: just as Pam Anderson posed nude for PETA’s “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign, Steve-O (yes, you read that right) is now the next cover “model.” Dlisted’s Michael K commented, “Since when does he care about the animals? Didn’t he eff a goat or something on ‘Jackass’?” He DID star in “WildBoyz” with Chris Pontius, but that merely involved animals, and mostly them dressing up in a two-person llama suit and dry-humping real llamas, or harassing Portuguese Man-of-Wars.

I guess Steve-O’s peeing-on-the-red-carpet stunt really impressed the board of directors over at PETA. And can you believe he got ANOTHER show?

IMAGE COURTESY OF TMZ

For the woman who, four days ago, wouldn’t board a prison bus (to take her to a scheduled court appearance to face arraignment for assault charges) because her hair extensions and makeup weren’t done, the plaid ensemble when she finally did show today sure is shitty.

From TMZ:

“Her lawyer said today that Foxy was never scheduled for transport from her prison cell at Rikers Island and that’s why she missed the first hearing, but TMZ was told that she didn’t want to leave Rikers without her hair and makeup done and without eating lunch.

And about that lawyer — it wouldn’t be a Foxy hearing if she didn’t do a little attorney swapping. John Sampson, who had served as her counsel this summer, was brought back yesterday, we’re told, by Foxy’s mother, and Alan Stutman, who had represented the rapperista in her last two court hearings, stepped down from the thankless task.

Foxy is due back in court in December to face more music stemming from an August 14 incident in which she allegedly smacked a Brooklyn woman with her phone.”

Is this the Naomi Campbell Syndrome? Why are women using cell phones as weapons? What happened to the good ole’ bitch slap?

IMAGE COURTESY OF BRICKS & STONES GOSSIP

I have a cotton candy pink bobbed wig, and I was going to be Natalie Portman in “Closer”, but now Britney’s made it very easy for me. Plus, I can drive into parked cars and use a weight loss inhaler all night while furiously smoking and drinking Starbucks Fraps!

And I apologize for all the Britney news…it seems she’s the only one making waves in LA right now, and all the celebrity cheaters, drug users, and closet alcoholics are thanking their Hollywood Stars that Britney is still alive to take the focus off them!

But the latest, from US:

“More than three weeks after being charged with two misdemeanor charges stemming from her August hit-and-run accident, Britney Spears was booked and fingerprinted at 9:26 p.m. Monday night at an LAPD substation. ?She is being booked right now at the Van Nuys station,? LAPD Sgt. Mike Lopez confirmed to Usmagazine.com.

The L.A. city attorney filed the charges Sept. 21. Spears, 25, was charged with one count of hit and run causing property damage and another count of driving without a valid California driver?s license. The incident occurred Aug. 6 in an L.A. parking lot when Spears hit a parked car and left the scene without reporting the accident.

Describing the LAPD?s booking process, Sgt. Lopez tells Us: ?She comes in and we put her information into computer, fingerprint her, lifescan and electronically scan hands and palms as well, and photograph her. She will be issued a release from custody citation, which tells her next court appearance.?

And what if Britney shows up in one of her famous wigs? ?If a person is wearing a wig and it looks like she is trying to disguise herself we would ask her to take it off,? Lopez says. ?But we will not ask people to remove extensions.?

Like these?

IMAGE COURTESY OF X17.com

Or these?

IMAGE COURTESY OF POPSUGAR.COM

This HAS to be a clause that only exists in California. But I did do a little Googling to see if I could find out if other police departments don’t require de-weavage, and not much resulted in my search. EXCEPT I found the tools used to remove hair extensions:

On eBay for $19.99, DIY extension removal! The LAPD should seriously look into that shit…you never know what someone could be hiding in their weave.

So it’s been the dream of most people stuck in the late-90s, that the embodiment of teen coupledom, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, would one day reunite in true love. But seeing as JT is dating JB (Jessica Biel)–after a long relationship with Cameron Diaz–and is on top of the world in the music industry’s eyes, and Britney is, well, stuck in a sewer of bad publicity and bad decisions, the dream that they will get back together died harder than Bruce Willis. It was slightly resurrected when Britney dumped KFed and went two days without doing anything stupid, while JT was on the outs with Cameron, but alas, it was not meant to be. Despite their similar styles:

…even denim couldn’t keep them together. But interesting news has emerged over the weekend, evidence to the fact that Britney may still hold a candle for JT…or his music at least. On Saturday, she had a photog grab JT’s latest CD, FutureSexx/Lovesounds, at Virgin Megastore in Hollywood. From Entertainment Wise:

“The Toxic singer ? who was out buying some candy and make-up at Rite-Aid in Hollywood on Saturday? quietly asked a snapper to go to the Virgin Megastore in Hollywood and purchase the CD .

TMZ.com have released footage of a coy looking Spears taking a bag containing what appears to be her former beau’s CD. The pop-wreck is then seen whispering something in the snapper’s ear before driving off.”

And what was JT up to? Why, tailgating the Bears/Packers game two Sundays ago in Chicago…with none other than James Van Beek, aka Dawson, who unfortch, will always be Dawson. Kinda like Soleil Moon Frye is still Punky Brewster.

GF JB was there too. My fav part is the crazy Bears fan on the other side of the fence. Well, actually, this is my fav part:

No, not Van Beek! JT, in the green shirt, shotgunning a Miller Lite! Tailgating in true form.

PHOTO COURTESY OF DLISTED
–> Looks like the King of Malibu is back on top…and off the wagon. Photos from a recent vacation show Mel Gibson looking a bit, um, blurry? They can take our lives, but they can never take our bourbon?

PHOTO COURTESY OF WENN
–>Thinking that stroller seat looks mighty empty for a brood of Puff Daddy’s size? Well, consider his fam expanded, as Puffy has announced that he is father to Sarah Chapman’s daughter, Chance. At first, of course, he denied it like it was going out of style, but DNA tests have confirmed his paternity, and he responded to Rush & Molloy that “At first, I wasn’t sure if this was my child. Now that it has become clear she is, I will take care of her for the rest of her life.” He better keep it in his pants, or he’s going to throw all his money away on child support. He’s got a fucking Brady Bunch on his hands!

–> Really she’s sucking her thumb, but it appears that Zahara, who dad Brad Pitt said hates the paparazzi, is giving a big f-u to the surrounding cameramen. Or maybe she’s cursing her grandpa Jon Voight, who was seen leaving the Waldorf Astoria yesterday, where Brad, Angelina Jolie, and Co. are currently staying. A source said, “Jon wanted to meet the children but that didn?t happen. It was just a one-on-one with Angie but he thinks at least that?s a start.? Eek, remember in 2002 when he said that his daughter had “mental issues”–which could very well be true–and that statement began the estrangement? And then when he tried to comment