Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan went to court this morning with a request to change Britney Spears‘ visitation rights regarding sons Sean, 2, and Jayden, 1, because he claimed she violated her random drug testing, in that she missed 8 of 14 tests. This counts as 8 fails. She is required to be tested twice a week and she is also required to give a urine sample within 6 hours of being called. Anne Kiley, Britney’s attorney, said that Britney is virtually unreachable because she is constantly changing her cell phone number since it sometimes falls into the wrong hands. She told the judge (via TMZ), her client has received calls as early as 8:00 AM. Kiley said pop stars don’t get up that early, adding, “You are not a pop star with a number one album, so you don’t know.” The courtroom erupted in laughter.

Well, Anne, Britney is behind the Eagles, making her a number TWO popstar. And she doesn’t really seem to care, or bother promoting the album. A tour? Please.

It makes me secretly pleased that the courtroom all laughed at that ridiculous statement, but I’m disappointed the judge fell for such bullshit: [he] “is open to a more flexible timetable that works for Brit.”

Ultimately, both sides were unable to reach an agreement, so they will be back in court next Tuesday to present a complete plan to the judge. He left the visitation order the same as he ruled Oct. 26, but did make one change: “Brit must notify her lawyer immediately when she changes her cell phone number. Apparently, she changes her number as often as she changes her clothes, and he’s over it! He told her attorney that she must then immediately contact Kevin’s lawyer, and then call the drug testing facility. That’s some phone tree! The judge told her lawyer, “Basically, the testing facility needs a number they can call and get a response.”

Kiley explained to the court that just because Britney doesn’t respond to the drug tests doesn’t mean she’s using. I say 6 hours is more than enough time to get someone else’s piss. Kaplan communicated that KFed is overly concerned about the welfare of his children. I say he’s still overly concerned with Britney’s money (she is afterall, paying his legal fees–and I’m pretty sure Mark Vincent Kaplan is more “Law & Order” than “Night Court”).

And Britney’s hair looks eerily familiar…shades of Travolta in “Battlefield Earth”?

IMAGE COURTESY OF ASK MEN

IMAGE COURTESY OF CELEBITCHY

Lindsay Lohan’s got one (or perhaps a couple–for LA, NYC, and Utah?), Owen Wilson is reported to have one…the sober companion, or “the missing puzzle piece” according to Sober Champion. There are different types, says the website:

“A Sober Companion may be the missing piece you need to stay away from drugs and alcohol.

A Sober Coach can provide intense sessions, as often as you need, to explore issues relating to your successful recovery from substance abuse.

A Sober Escort gets you where you need to go - don’t zig when you should zag!

If you must avoid drinking, using, gambling, self-injury, or some other obsessive and compulsive behavior, and your case requires round-the-clock assistance, try our Sober Companion services.

If you have been to residential treatment, you’ve made a substantial investment in yourself. Protect that investment with Sober Champion. Let’s help define your goals, identify & help you surmount roadblocks, and become your advocate as you live a life beyond expectations.”

When you’re dealing with serious addictions, you need to think like an addict. Which is why I’m pleased that Lindsay’s sober companions have placed no faith in the struggling actress. And boy, did she ever come through, trying to order vodka on Oct. 19, reports Celebitchy:

“Lindsay Lohan’s aides are going out of their way to make sure the actress/singer stays sober after spending much of the summer in rehab, they’ve told staff at all her old hangouts not to let her drink alcohol. The “Mean Girls” star found this out for herself when she tried to order vodka at Los Angeles’ Viceroy hotel on October 19.

A staff member at the hotel reveals Lohan spent an hour sipping water, but felt the need for something stronger as her friends started to get tipsy. A source tells Life & Style magazine, “She was fine at first, but it was obviously too soon for her to be around people who were drinking, because she later asked the server for a vodka. “But her people had called ahead and servers were told not to give in no matter how often Lindsay asked for alcohol.”

Despite denials about the incident from Lohan’s publicist, a guest at the Viceroy, who overheard the exchange between the actress and a waitress, tells the publication, “I heard the waitress say that she was sorry but she wasn’t allowed to serve her. Lindsay walked out soon after, looking embarrassed.”

While her publicist says Lindsay is “focusing on her work and sobriety”, they had to do extra damage control and wiggle her out of a contract with Las Vegas club LAX, where Lindsay was pegged to host their annual New Year’s Eve party. And guess whose filling in? None other than fellow down-on-her-luck party girl, Paris Hilton, who is being paid one million dollars to play hostess. Which essentially means she drinks all night for free and poses for endless (annoying) photos. Wasn’t Paris allegedly “focusing on her sobriety” as well and going to Rwanda to…pose for photos in villages and tell Rwandans they’re hot? Looks like both these girls are beginning to revert back to their old ways. Sadly, that was what got them the most press.

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

Rosie O’Donnell was in talks with MSNBC to have her very own show, but apparently, she let the cat out of the bag too soon, the network freaked, and ended any kind of negotiations. Rosie took to her infamous haiku-ie blog with the following “poem” addressing the incident:

msnbc
one hour
live
following keith olbermann

we were close to a deal
almost done
i let it slip in miami
causing panic on the studio end

well
what can u do

2day there is no deal
poof
my career as a pundit is over
b4 it began

just as well
i figure
everything happens for a reason
bashert - as we say

and on we go

The Chicago Sun-Times had an article about the rumored show, and it sounded like a go, albeit a risky one given Rosie’s controversial image, just a short time ago:

“O’Donnell’s ”loose cannon” reputation, reinforced during her nine-month stint on ”The View,” apparently is a key stumbling block as the comedian-turned-TV talker negotiates with the network. Showcasing alternative political viewpoints to the conservative opinions espoused by Fox News has helped boost MSNBC’s recent ratings, ”but we still get nervous when we think about Rosie,” an MSNBC source told me Tuesday.

Yet, given the big ratings boost O’Donnell gave to ”The View” during her tenure there, MSNBC is definitely interested in snaring her, the source said, ”as long as we have certain controls in place.” As for O’Donnell, a source close to her says the outspoken personality thinks it’s all pretty moot. ”Everyone in America knows where I stand as a liberal Democrat who can’t stand the fact George Bush is president,” the O’Donnell friend quotes her as saying about the MSNBC gig.”

During her nine month stint on “The View”, Rosie caused quite an uproar and managed to get on the bad side of Elisabeth Hasselbeck (currently on a welcome maternity leave) AND Barbara Walters (don’t mess with Barb). While viewership was up, it seemed every day, there was a new can of worms opened and video clips of the women’s roundtable arguing hit every gossip site out there. Personally, I don’t watch “The View.” Never have. I preferred the men’s version with Danny Bonaduce and Mario Lopez. Whoa! That was great programming. As opinionated as Rosie is, I think she has quite a following and that potentially would have meant viewers for MSNBC. But I guess she jumped the gun, and MSNBC got gunshy, and it all went up in gunsmoke.

On a poetic note, Rosie is quite the e.e. cummings.

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

Ah, just what a fresh-faced 21-year-old wants to hear about her 15-years-older beau. Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong (I know, whaaaa?) were spotted making out furiously last week, and amazingly, it’s actually turned into something. I’m not sure what, but something.

Reports US Weekly:

“The new couple was spotted at New York hotspot Rose Bar on October 29 by an eyewitness who tells Us Weekly, “they were being very flirtatious.” The next night, the May-December duo took in Broadway play “Young Frankenstein” before dinner and wine at the Waverly Inn.

And while Armstrong prepped to run last Sunday’s New York City Marathon, the lovebirds shacked up at luxe hotel Soho House, where they both had booked rooms.

Sources tell Us, however, that Olsen shouldn’t let herself get swept away by the whirlwind Big Apple romance. “Lance is a candidate for a midlife crisis,” says a source close to the divorced father of three.

Indeed, Armstrong might already be in his midlife crisis: he recently split from fashion designer Tory Burch and broke off his engagement with Sheryl Crow in 2006. “Next week, he’ll be on to someone else,” another insider says.

I was always under the impression he had the real deal with Sheryl Crow. And after the whole “Live Strong” movement, when people would wear about 8-10 cause bracelets up their arm, much like trendoids used to do with Swatches, I guess I pegged him for a good guy. Not to say that one can’t date a young starlet (Jack Nicholson’s been doing this for years) or that doing so makes you a bad guy, but this does seem to scream “mid-life crisis.” If he buys a Camaro with a “So Cool” license plate, we’ll know for sure that this relationship is headed somewhere…called “Nowheresville.”

IMAGE COURTESY OF CELEBITCHY

At last night’s concert in Miami, the last show of her tour, Jennifer Lopez announced what mags, blogs, newspapers, and even her own fashion designer, Roberto Cavalli, (he said last week, “She requests something very special because she is waiting for the baby”) have known: she’s pregnant. Just like with Aguilera, I am dumbfounded.

From the Miami Herald:

”Marc and I are expecting,” she said as the crowd of 10,000 erupted.

Anthony then bent over and kissed his wife’s belly.

”I didn’t know she was going to talk,” Anthony said.

The 39-year-old star went on to say she had waited until the end of the couple’s concert tour in order to make the announcement because she didn’t want their fans to worry about her.

Throughout Wednesday night’s show, JLo joked with the crowd.

”You don’t mind if I catch my breath for a minute,” she said at one point, holding her belly.

What is curious is that she didn’t say, “I’m having a baby” or “We’re expecting a baby”, leading to further speculation that she is pregnant with twins. Anthony and Lopez told the crowd, “We’re going away for a while,” meaning they’ll be out of the spotlight for the remainder of her pregnacy, which is a relief to me and makes me hope that other pregnant celebrities will follow her lead (*cough* Nicole Richie). That doesn’t necessarily mean we can’t expect every gossip rag to update weekly with “twins in peril” or “JLo’s maternity style” stories.

I thought to myself this morning when I heard the news that JLo had announced her pregnancy, that when I’m pregnant, I’m going to do the same thing. As I grow bigger and fam and friends begin to wonder, I’m going to avoid direct questions by saying, “We don’t comment on our client’s personal lives.” Then, come month 5, I’ll post the news on my blog. It should work out perfectly: Liz Lange maternity hides everything!

According to the wonderful folks at Page Six, Evangeline Lilly and the little hobbit have broken up.

Monaghan, whose character was killed off the show, was spotted crying, holding and kissing a woman who was not Lilly at El Coyote restaurant in L.A. on Saturday, reports entertainment blogger Nelson Aspen. “They were right in the middle of the room, they weren’t interested in privacy,” he said. “They looked very intimate. They were nursing margaritas, leaning in, chain-smoking, having intense conversation.”

That is of course, unless Monaghan’s dog died, which is no joking matter folks.  At least he’s in a place to cry when he gets kicked to the curb, if Evangeline Lilly broke up with us?  We’d probably slit our wrists or something.  Naw, just kidding.

Say it ain’t true.  I know this is usually Sarah’s territory, but I think she’ll forgive me.  I’m a huge Giada De Laurentiis fan and not because she’s a good cook or anything.  In fact, I prefer The Food Network star when she’s not cooking and rather when she’s doing her weekend gettaway shows.

Anyway, she’s hot and I though maybe if I met her I’d stand an outside chance of marrying her and possibly fathering her child.  Alas, that priviledge goes to her hubby of four years Todd Thompson.

“When I found out I was pregnant I was in complete shock,” De Laurentiis, 37, admitted. “I truly didn’t believe it. I honestly thought, ‘there has got to be a mistake.’ ”

But as she watched the sonograms – first a “lima bean” then a “lemon” – the Everyday Italian chef said that when she could make out fingers and toes, it “brought tears to my eyes.”

Sniffle, sniffle.  We’re happy for you.  Honestly, these are tears of happiness.

IMAGE COURTESY OF CELEBITCHY

What’s Lindsay Lohan up to, besides plenty of sober fun i.e. getting new extensions and running out for cupcakes? How about a pregnancy scare to keep her in the news? Star magazine’s Nov. 12 edition reports that after her period was late, Lindsay’s snowboarder boyf Riley Giles, popped the question.

“Just when Lindsay Lohan thought she was back on track after finally getting sober, the actress got a major shock that could have threatened it all: According to a source, Lindsay was days “late” and feared she was pregnant with boyfriend Riley Giles’ baby.

“Lindsay was terrified,” the source tells Star. “She’s also gained weight, and she started worrying that it was from being pregnant.”

And while having a child with someone she loves is something that Lindsay has always dreamed about, it’s not the right time, says the source. “She just figured out how to get sober - she’s certainly not ready to be responsible for a child now!”

But when Lindsay, 21, broke down and told Riley she thought she might be pregnant, his reaction was not quite what she expected. “He was actually pretty excited,” says the source. “And he did was he thought was right and proposed on the spot.”

Lindsay’s response? “It literally took her breath away,” says the source. “She was touched, but she knew it was not the right thing to do and turned him down. She told him that she cares for him deeply, but they weren’t ready to get married. Riley totally understood.”

A few days later, Lindsay’s fears were put to rest when she finally got her period.”

Personally, I don’t see getting pregnant being “the major shock that could have threatened it all.” I see Lindsay (and Dina and Michael) playing that up to the fullest extent, with People covering her baby shower and Hollywood maternity boutiques clamoring for her to wear their tunics and leggings. In fact, being pregnant might might encourage her to stay sober a la Nicole Richie, but that’s a terrible reason to get pregnant. That, and publicity. Either way, let’s be thankful Lindsay is “focusing on her career” and not bringing a new life into the world. Also, let’s be thankful for Star’s thrilling coverage (”Riley totally understood.”) as they continue to be a step ahead of US Weekly.

IMAGE COURTESY OF DLISTED

This is straight from Dlisted because no one says it better than Michael K. Maxim composed a list of the 5 Unsexiest Women (Sarah Jessica Parker took the number one spot, followed by Amy Winehouse, Sandra Oh, Madonna, and Britney Spears), and AOL’s The Cooler responded with the “11 Most Unsexiest Men”, and Michael K then shot back with his votes for Most Unsexy Men.

“So….here’s AOL’s list and I must say that I disagree with 90% of their choices. And get this shit. They named Pete Doherty as the least sexiest man. WTF?! You can call Pete a lot of things, but unsexy is not one of them. That man made was made for sex. Actually, made for crack, but sex is second. So, here’s the list with my response and replacement option!

11: Ben Stiller - WRONG! Replace with John Cusack
10. Eric Dane - SERIOUSLY WRONG! Replace with Zach Braff
9. Ryan Phillipe - WTF!!!! WRONG! Replace with Carrot Top
9 (tied). Josh Hartnett - WRONG AGAIN! Replace with Vince Vaughn
8. Pete Wentz - FINALLY I AGREE!!!
7. James Blunt - AGREED!
6. Kevin Connolly - WHO?! Replace with Fred Durst
5. Howard Stern - WRONG! Replace with Bill Maher
4. Simon Cowell - WRONG! Replace with Michael Jackson
3. Wilmer Valderrama WRONG! Replace with Rumer Willis
2. Brandon Davis - AGREED!
1. Pete Doherty - WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Replace with Clay Aiken

This list is pathetic, and I second all of Michael K’s choices. When asked what she thought of being voted least sexy, Sarah Jessica had this to say: “What they don’t know is that one day I’ll wake up fat. But I’ll still be happy, just like I am now. I believe in the old ’sticks and stones’ philosophy, so frankly their words don’t come close to hurting. And it does not bother me in the least if people don’t think I’m sexy.

“I don’t think I am, either.”

I don’t know if anyone has seen “Honeymoon in Vegas” but not many ladies can wear a skin-tight white spandex dress and be hot in the 90s. That qualifies as sexy in my book. Kudos for SJP for not caring what Maxim thinks; the rest of the world doesn’t.

IMAGE COURTESY OF THE SMOKING GUN

Finally, a little hometown skivvy: “Transformers” star Shia LaBeouf was arrested this morning at a Walgreens on Michigan Ave in Chicago after a night of partying with clubowner and general douche Billy Dec. Apparently, the security guard in Walgreens thought he was too drunk to be there, and Shia disagreed, though “politely” is how he was described by cops.

After I typed this heading, I must retract: I can’t count on one hand how many times I’ve been drunk in a Walgreens. They have great refrigerated beverages and a whole wall of smokes, which are both the reasons I probs went in there. And while the hooded sweatshirt speaks in favor of his wholesome image, the glassy eyes are a strong argument.

Cate Blanchett is. She confirmed her pregnancy at the Sydney premiere of “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” when the Sydney Morning Herald asked her: “Yes, I am. You know more than me. It’s early days yet. It’s due in April.” At last! A star finally cops to being pregnant. On to more evasive celebs…

Christina Aguilera, after months of letting her belly do the talking, let the world in on her biggest “secret.” She is pregnant. Shocking, yes? When asked by Glamour what her New Year’s Resolution is, she replied, “That’ll be about the time I enter into mommyhood, so I’m hoping to have started a beautiful family with my husband!” Why did she hold off for so long? And then announce it on the pages of Glamour? At least a cover story with US Weekly would have satiated the masses.

Katie Holmes appeared in a flowing dress to one of the many premieres for husband Tom Cruise’s new film “Lions and Lambs”, which of course sparked the baby rumor mill. But her spokeperson told Us Weekly, “She is not pregnant.” Okaaaay. I guess that takes care of that.

Uhhh, yep. Still pregnant.

Matthew McConaughey is……not. But he did celebrate a bday yesterday (38)!

IMAGES COURTESY OF DLISTED