Sorry, kiddos, for leaving you hanging for a few days, but since Monday I’ve been grieving. All I can say is why NBC why??! You had one of the hottest shows out there and you’ve gone and fell victim - as I was afraid you would – to the notorious ‘sophomore slump’, an ailment that affects so many great shows. In a nutshell, they kick off their series with a bang, leaving you counting the days/hours/minutes/seconds until the next episode, checking fan sites for spoilers, watching the upcoming previews again and again, all to try and satiate your appetite over the next six, excruciatingly painful days. (Yes, people get that hooked!)

For example, how many of you out there were dying to know where the Lost castaways were at the end of the series premier? That ‘monster’ in the jungle, it was all so new, so perplexing, so engaging. By the end of season one, there wasn’t a person in the country who didn’t wonder what the heck was in that hatch! Alas, as in many cases, the payoff is never as good as the suspense. Kind of like movie love…but that’s for another day…

On to the whole purpose of my rant – NBC’s season two premier of Heroes. *Sigh* I almost feel at a loss at how to recap the events. Immediately I noticed that the stories were so abundant and convoluted that for the first time during premier week I wish I had re-watched the season finale to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. The heroes take up not where they left off, but four months later. (Anyone interested in a wager than they do a flashback episode sometime this season??) Half of the characters whose lives were left hanging during the finale are MIA – soooo, are they dead, disappeared, done-blowed-up what gives?

We see that Claire and her father are alive and well, as is Matt, Molly, Mohinder, Ando, Hiro (although he is busy jumping through – and screwing with – time), Evil Mom-Petrelli, Nathan (though in deep depression over the death of Peter), oh – and Peter, who is most definitely not dead, but crazy? Overheated, perhaps? And where is Sylar? Surely we have not seen the last of him.

Sulu and Mom-Petrelli turn out to be in cahoots, and are apparently going to be dead within the day. How do we know this? They don’t really say, other than the fact that there appears to be a new villain, whom I’m going to call Symbol Person since he/she/Sylar reminds me of – insert Prince’s symbol/moniker here - I’d try and type it but I don’t think my keyboard has that particular key!

Bottom line is I’m worried. There are very few sitcoms left that are any good these days, and the dramas seem to be dropping off as well…with variety reality TV taking over in a BAD way (Dancing With the Stars, Singing Bee, Don’t Forget The Lyrics, So You Think You Can Dance, etc., phasing out the good old reality shows like The Mole, Temptation Island, Fear Factor and so on), well, there just isn’t much left.

Please Tim Kring bring back the Heroes I know and love!! What happened to D.L., where is Micah, where is Niki/Jessica? Why give super-hot Nathan a mountain man beard. WTF is Hiro doing? Who are these people running from Mexico? When does Kristen Bell join the cast? Ack! Now I am the one who is going to explode.

All I can say is thank God for Ted’s tramp stamp and Barney’s mysterious phone call to Marshall on How I Met Your Mother. Legen-dary!

In case you don’t start to sense it in my articles, I am such a fan of ‘fourth wall’ humor as well as the subtle things writers add in that most people don’t catch. That’s not a compliment to myself; since I believe I only catch these little gems from the hours I clock on the couch watching way too much television. That being said, let’s move on to some of the highlights of Sunday’s fall season kick-off:

The Simpsons – The Springfield family started their 19th (wow) season off with a brand new intro, which was priceless. For fans that saw The Simpsons Movie over the summer, you’ll see hilarious nods at the large bubble that encapsulated Springfield, Spider Pig and the fact that Matt Groening took two decades to make this movie. Unfortunately, the episode itself didn’t hold a candle to the intro, but after 19 years it’s still better all of the new sitcoms being introduced this fall. On a side note, Stephen Colbert appears as Homer’s life coach.

Family Guy – Seth McFarlane is a genius, of that I am sure. Last week I had the chance to hear him interviewed along with his sister, Rachel, and now I am more of a fan than ever. For this season’s opener, McFarlane created an hour-long parody of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, spoofing the entire movie and using the films’ original musical score and some of the special effects, all with the blessing of George Lucas himself. Destined to be a classic. My favorite moments – Stewie as Darth Vader and Brian as Chewbacca, Chris/Luke’s reply to Lois/Leia when rescuing her and the squabbling at the end between McFarlane’s Peter and Seth Green’s Chris regarding Robot Chicken (who Green created and used to spoof Star Wars first). Now that’s fourth wall humor.

Tonight be sure to set all your VCR’s and DVR’s to overload since the following shows all have premiers: Heroes (YAY!), CSI: Miami, Journeyman, Two And A Half Men, Chuck, How I Met Your Mother, Dancing With The Stars, Big Bang Theory, Rules Of Engagement, The Bachelor, Prison Break and a dozen others if you include non-network channels – egads!!

• Best bets – Heroes, HIMYM, 2.5 Men, Prison Break
• Worth checking out – Journeyman
• Miss without guilt – Big Bang, The Bachelor

CBS opens it’s first reality farm team

After hearing stories of kids being burnt, beaten and bleached, I was nearly positive I wouldn’t go near the eye network’s latest reality offering – Kid Nation. In addition to the rumors of neglect, stories spread like wildfire that began to make the show look less than credible. How dare someone suggest ‘reality’ television is anything less than 100% real!

Morals be damned, I just had to watch – and so did roughly 9 million of you. Kid Nation was a surprisingly interesting show; even though it’s blatantly obvious the settlement is hardly a ghost town. For starters, the host (Jonathon, the only adult ever seen on camera) lets the Kid Nation council (consisting of 4 of young ones) in on a little secret. Apparently, the previous tenants of this ghost town couldn’t make it work, but they pass down secrets to the tykes so that they can. Amazingly, the book has gathered no dust since the late 19^th century, and it even contains ‘Survivor’ style bandanas to help separate the kiddos into districts (red and blue – hmmm – green and yellow). These 4 districts then divide into classes, – Poor (labor), working class poor (cooks), middle class (merchants) and the elite rich (upper class). The wee ones are then paid based on class and let loose to spend their riches on what any self-respecting kid would: candy, soda, toys and more candy.

By the end of the first show, the kids also learn another secret – each week one of them will be awarded a gold star worth $20,000. The council awards star #1 to the hard working head cook of the bunch, 14 year-old Sophia. While some of the children don’t seem too eager to work around the town, once the twenty grand twist is revealed, they’re out for blood. Even the 15 year-old town bad boy decides he’s going to get the next gold star.

Other highlights (?) of the show included the adorable little 8 year-old Jimmy deciding he can’t hack life away from his parents and packs it in, council member Taylor (age 10) declaring, “I’m a beauty queen, I don’t do dishes”, and the clan agreeing that, given the choice, they’ll take 7 new outhouses over a television, thank you very much. Wise pick since the previous ratio was 40 to 1.

If nothing else, Kid Nation will give you something to talk about. Message boards all over the net are on fire with parents debating the show, and after only one installment being aired thus far, you can surely expect much more. Fans of William Golding’s Lord of the Flies might enjoy the nod towards the 50’s literary classic, but keep in mind these kids have camera crews, doctors, shrinks and more just out of our line of sight. I’m still keeping an open mind; we’ll see how these reality-stars-in-training do over the coming weeks.

Big Brother snubs Little Sis

In other reality news, Dick Donato, the 44 year-old bar manager from under some dive in Hollywood, became the winner of Big Brother 8, solidly beating out his sometimes-estranged 21 year-old daughter, Daniele. These two have had more publicity than they deserve this summer, so I’m not going to waste my pretty little fingers on them, other than these next few sentences. Then I’m done, I’m walking away for good…are you listening Mr. Moonves?? I’m sure my boycott of the summer reality show is really going to cause him a lot of sleepless nights. Good.

Never before has such an ugly personality won this game, or participated for that matter. Evel Dick (a moniker he gave himself) has tried unsuccessfully for the past three seasons to secure his place in the house, and this was his lucky year. He spit, farted, burped, yelled, cussed, and snot-rocketed his way through the three months in captivity, belittling each and every housemate, strutted his man-boobs and a plethora of terrible tattoos for all the world to see, and for this he takes home a cool half-mil. Come on, people!! Do none of you houseguests watch previous seasons of the show before you step across the threshold?? You all bought into his lies (YES! Big surprise, he was lying to you!), fell for his deals, expected him to uphold them, and somehow thought even though he had just called you a fat, worthless pig, he was now going to hold your hand in happy-sappy friendship until the final three. At least the reining Big Brother Master Manipulator, Dr. “Evil” Will Kirby, took the time to schmooze you before plunging the knife in. It’s a game built on lies and deception, pleaseeee! OK, off my soapbox and done with my rant….just remember the first rule of ‘Reality Club’ is ‘We lie in reality club!’

Survivor turns 15

Wrapping up this installment of all things reality we’ll go for the CBS hat trick. Survivor 15 (yes, 15) kicks off tonight in China. They’re touting it as a huge first for the show, but I don’t recall ever seeing Survivor: Portland, so I’m thinking they are almost always out of the country. Yes, I get that it’s China, and it probably took a lot of wheel greasing to film over there, but I’m guessing the middle of nowhere in China looks a lot like the middle of nowhere in Mexico, the South Pacific, or even Portland for that matter. I guess we’ll see, tune into CBS tonight at 8:00PM to watch the very awe-inspiring opening ceremonies.

Wow, what a whirlwind night for me! My dress – long and slinky Prada….my accessories – half a mil worth of pink diamonds and sapphires, on loan from Harry Winston…. 4 hours in hair and makeup, and last but not least, an invitation to the oh-so prestigious Governor’s Ball after party. I feel like Cinderella…well, at least I would have if that were really how the Emmy’s went down for me. Instead, here I sit in a pink t-shirt (far cry from diamonds), curled up on the sofa with my friends Ben and Jerry, watching all the glitter and glam unfold before my eyes.

How to recap such a great evening? Normally, I’m not a big fan of award shows, even though I am totally obsessed with everything Hollywood. This year, however, I was impressed. Going green for the second year in a row, the Emmy’s stepped up their game this time by down staging to a mere round tiered riser made from recycled materials, a blue carpet throughout the auditorium made from recycled rubber, and, according to one presenter, the cast of Kid Nation powering the lighting. Although the ‘in-the-round’ style seating reminded me more of a game show, it did bring a certain humble and intimate feel to the night. Kudos.

Let’s run down the big winners. HBO topped the list with a whopping 21 statuettes, followed closely by NBC with 19 Emmy wins. As many predicted, HBO’s The Sopranos made television history last night by winning Outstanding Drama Series, the first to do so after a show has already ended it’s run. First time winners Kathryn Heigl, Jaime Pressley and America Ferrera were all adorable, seeming genuinely honored and grateful to be chosen.

Other major category winners include 30 Rock for Best Comedy Series, The Amazing Race for Best Reality-Competition Program, The Daily Show with John Stewart for Best Variety, Music or Comedy Series (can’t wait to see the throw off tonight with Steven Colbert!), James Spader (Boston Legal) for Lead Actor in a Drama Series, Sally Field (Brothers & Sisters) for Lead Actress in a Drama series, followed by Terry O’Quinn (LOST) & Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy) respectively, as their Supporting co-horts.

Ricky Gervais (Extras) took home the Emmy for Lead Actor in a Comedy Series, American Ferrera (Ugly Betty) for Lead Actress, and their Supporting winners, Jeremy Piven for Entourage and Jaime Pressley for My Name is Earl.

Big Bang Implodes!

In other tube news, I’ve already decided on my first pick for the chopping block from the new Fall lineup. I was lucky (?) enough to stumble on the first episode of The Big Bang Theory, set to premier Monday, September 24^th at 8:30 PM on CBS. Big Bang stars Johnny Galecki (Roseanne) and Jim Parsons (Judging Amy) as two socially inept brainiacs, and Kaley Cuoco (Prison Break, Charmed, 8 Simple Rules) as their recently single, hot neighbor. As much as I enjoyed Johnny’s performance on Roseanne as the adorable David, he falls flat in Bang, with a very predictable plot line and thin writing. It’s definitely not the next great sitcom, and I’d save your time for more riveting Monday night scorchers like the returning faves Prison Break and Heroes.

Big Brother would rather be watching something other than his namesake…

On the reality front, last night’s hour-long recap of the Big Brother 8 season thus far was so painful I’d rather be stuck in the jury house with the hyper-emotional Amber for a week than to watch it again. In a first, CBS aired a ‘Survivor-style’ homage to the fallen tribe, er…housemates as the final two (father-daughter duo Dick and Daniele Donato) sat around the empty BB house recalling moments with each evicted houseguest. Painfully scripted, the Donato’s seemed horribly uncomfortable with such a forced tribute to people that, according to Daniele, they basically hate. Shame on you, CBS, I realize you were up against the Emmy’s, but such an insincere display of butt kissing? Surely you could have found something better to show. No matter now…CBS wraps up the annual summer guilty pleasure this Tuesday when the evicted houseguests cast their vote to decide which Donato walks away with $500,000.

It’s now time to hit the sack after my long night of champagne and after parties. We’ll get further into the new shows this week, most of which I’ll wager are headed to rest in peace with Big Bang as the search for the new Friends continues.

Howdy fans of the small screen! Ready or not, it’s that time of year again—the leaves are changing color, the kids are back in school, the night air gets cool and crisp, and you’re totally stoked for the new Fall television season. Well, that is until you realize your DVR only lets you record two channels at a time. Frick!

Thank the lucky stars above that now you have me to help you sort through the good, the bad, and the just-ain’t-worth-my-time. With the help of a house full of televisions, a few DVR’s, a handful of VCR’s, about a dozen remote controls and a big box of bon bons, I’ll do my best to let you know what’s going on with your favorite shows and the people who star in them. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

Questions? Ideas? Suggestions? Send them this way and I’ll be happy to see what I can do. In the meantime, let’s talk about the semi-official sign that the Fall season is here…the Emmy’s!

On Sunday night the 59^th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards will air on Fox at 8:00 PM. Ryan Seacrest, figuring he didn’t really need the four hours of sleep he gets working six other jobs, has stepped up to host. Is it just me, or does anyone else wonder if he is really human? Since the show airs live tomorrow, I’ll skip the formalities until next year and just point out the biggest highlight of all ~ that Journey lovin’ family from Jersey, The Sopranos.

With dozens of Emmy’s already tucked away in their belt, and a plethora of nominations, The Sopranos made HBO proud in it’s eight year run, putting the cable network at the top of the list for Emmy nods. This year the drama will likely capture another honor and make television history by being the first show to win Best Drama after it has closed up shop. There is plenty of heated discussion out there over whether or not The Sopranos deserve the award, and many feel it belongs with cranky old Dr. House.

I’m up in the air, but hey, we’re talking about a show that had me so mesmerized by the end, I was jumping in my seat more than I did during the movie Signs (a great movie to see if you want your date in your lap, by the way). And I’m sure I’m not the only viewer in the world who though their cable had gone out during the infamous final seconds of the series finale.

A few more Emmy tidbits – TV Guide has driven Joan and Melissa Rivers to desk jobs, and they’ll blogging live during the red carpet pre-show (who reads blogs??) Taking their spot on the shag this year will be the gorgeous Lisa Rinna and former N’Sync-er Joey Fatone, both of whom took part in Dancing With The Stars earlier this year.

Thanks to Al and Leo we’ll be enjoying another ‘green’ year of the Emmy’s, with even more eco-friendly items and goings on than last year.

Lastly, if you just don’t give a darn who wears or wins what, you’ve got some interesting alternatives out there…CBS will run an hour long recap of the Big Brother 8 so far, dragging out the agony a few more days until the evicted houseguests return and decide between the lesser of two Evels. (Calling Dr. Will – can we please make Big Brother 9 just you running around the yard in your shorts all summer?)

Surf on over to NBC and you can catch the Chargers and the Patriots battle it out on Sunday Night Football.

That’s it for now, TV fans – I’ll be back next time with in-depth coverage of the new Fall season—including returning favorites and which new show not to miss and which ones are sure to be gone by the time you are carving pumpkins.